🎭 BREAKING: MADURO GETS THE ULTIMATE SURPRISE PARTY

Y’all, the Americans just Uber-kidnapped an entire president. Not even DoorDash is that efficient.

What Happened: Trump sent the boys to Venezuela like it was a Black Friday sale at Courts. Operation resulted in Nicolás Maduro getting the express trip to New York he DEFINITELY didn’t book on Travelocity.

Guyana’s Response: President Ali is doing that Caribbean thing where you’re simultaneously thrilled, terrified, and trying not to laugh. He commended Trump which is like thanking the bouncer for removing your drunk ex from the party.

Real Talk: Guyana just watched its annoying neighbor get arrested on COPS: International Edition. Live. In real time. While the whole Caribbean group chat was going absolutely wild.

The Awkward Part: Now Guyana has to pretend they’re not THRILLED about this. Because diplomacy. And international relations. And the fact that they share a border with a country that just got regime-changed via air strike.

💰 THE MOHAMEDS: AMERICA’S MOST WANTED

This father-son duo is having the kind of week that makes you reconsider all your life choices.

The Situation: The Mohameds are fighting extradition to Florida harder than your auntie fights for the last piece of black cake at Christmas. Their legal strategy appears to be “The Mohameds are NOT going anywhere!” which is NOT how extradition treaties work.

Their Lawyers Said: “We are confident this case will be dismissed.”
The Court Said: “No.”
Their Lawyers Said: “Well, we’re appealing.”
Everyone Else: “Of course you are.”

Kaieteur’s Coverage: They’ve written more about the Mohameds than the Mohameds’ mothers did in baby books. At this point, Kaieteur News could publish a Mohameds encyclopedia.

The Pattern: Court says yes, Lawyers say no, Appeal filed, Repeat. They’re currently on loop 4.

Florida’s Patience Level: Approaching zero. The US Attorney’s office has started sending strongly worded letters, which in legal terms is like your mom using your full name.

🛣️ HEROES HIGHWAY: A LOVE STORY GONE WRONG

December 2023: Government unveils shiny new concrete highway
January 2025: Ministry announces asphalt overlay project

Let’s Do The Math: That’s 13 months. The highway lasted about as long as a New Year’s resolution.

Translation: They built a highway with concrete. Premium concrete. It lasted barely over a year. Now they want to cover it with asphalt.

This is like:

• Buying a Tesla and gluing a bicycle on top
• Ordering premium steak and covering it with ketchup
• Building a mansion and putting up wallpaper to hide the cracks

Stabroek News (Being Polite): “Questions have been raised about whether sound decisions are being made…”
Us (Not Being Polite): Y’ALL BUILT A HIGHWAY WRONG.

What Actually Happened: Someone made a decision. That decision was wrong. That wrongness cost millions. Now another decision will cost more millions to fix the first wrong decision.

Engineering 101: Concrete highways should last 20-30 years. Heroes Highway speedran that timeline like it was going for a world record.

📱 DIGITAL SCHOOL: WHEN ZOOM FINALLY CAME TO GUYANA

The Ministry of Education is THRILLED to announce that students successfully… logged into Zoom.

Let That Sink In: The achievement isn’t the lesson. The achievement isn’t the teaching. The achievement is that THE INTERNET DIDN’T CRASH.

Participating Schools: Dora Secondary, St. Cuthbert’s Secondary, Kwakwani Secondary, Linden Foundation Secondary, Anna Regina Secondary.

Parent’s Perspective: “So my data plan is now a school supply?”

Teacher’s Perspective: “I spent 45 minutes troubleshooting connectivity and 10 minutes teaching.”

Government’s Perspective: “DIGITAL TRANSFORMATION! PROGRESS!”

Reality Check: Other countries have been doing this since 2020. We’re celebrating in 2026 that we successfully used Zoom. The app your grandmother figured out during COVID.

🌾 RICE FARMERS GET 2.1 BILLION

Agriculture Minister Mustapha is touring the country handing out checks like Oprah’s Guyanese cousin.

The Official Story: “Government assistance initiative”
The Real Story: “Remember when y’all flooded twice? Here’s some money. Sorry about that.”

Black Bush Polder Residents: “Our crops are still underwater but okay, thanks.”

May 2024: Flooding
December 2024: More flooding
January 2025: Money for the flooding

What Farmers Actually Need: Working drainage, flood prevention, infrastructure maintenance, maybe some oil money?

What Farmers Got: Checks after damage is done, photo op with minister, promises of improvement.

🎯 YOUR DAILY RECAP