📦 BREAKING: GUYANA VOLUNTEERS AS AMERICA’S STORAGE UNIT

In the wildest plot twist since the 2020 elections, Guyana is in “productive discussions” with the United States about accepting third-country nationals.

Let That Sink In: America wants to deport people from OTHER countries to Guyana. Not Americans. Not even people who’ve ever BEEN to Guyana. Just random third-country nationals that America doesn’t want.

The Papers’ Reactions:

The Opposition’s Take: WIN and Forward Guyana are furious, calling it unconstitutional. The government’s defense? “But you guys made backroom deals too!” Everyone conveniently forgets details.

Meanwhile: Guyana watched Trump literally invade Venezuela, extract Maduro, and announce “we’re running this country now.” Ali’s response: “We support regional security efforts!” Translation: Please don’t invade us next.

⚖️ THE MOHAMEDS: APPEAL SEASON CONTINUES

The father-son gold trading duo filed YET ANOTHER appeal to the Full Court. Their legal strategy is simple: if at first you don’t succeed, appeal, appeal, appeal again.

Latest Development: Prosecution tried to get an earlier hearing date than February 5. Defense said no. Government circles reportedly “consternated.” Parliament can’t convene until this is resolved because Azruddin Mohamed is the Opposition Leader-elect.

Kaieteur News: Has written 4,000+ articles on this saga. They’ve turned it into a soap opera: Days of Our Extraditions.

🌉 HIGH STREET BRIDGE JOINS THE INFRASTRUCTURE HALL OF SHAME

The High Street bridge between Lamaha and Cowan Streets is cracked and sinking. New weight limit: 10 tonnes. The bridge designed to handle traffic can no longer handle traffic.

How Infrastructure Works:

Context: This is the same country that built Heroes Highway with concrete in December 2023, then announced an asphalt overlay in January 2025 (13 months later). The highway that was supposed to last generations needs repairs before it hits two years old.

🎓 18 SCHOOLS TO BE COMMISSIONED (ELECTION YEAR SPECIAL!)

Government commissioning 18 schools by Q1 2026. Important questions remain unanswered: Who’s teaching? Where’s the Wi-Fi coming from? Do the bathrooms work?

The Digital School Achievement: Successfully held its first lesson where students logged into Zoom without the internet dying. The bar is underground, but we cleared it!

📊 GRA DISCOVERS INTERNAL CONSPIRACY

GRA uncovered a coordinated internal conspiracy. People at the tax-collecting agency were actively helping people avoid paying taxes. The agency designed to collect revenue was facilitating revenue loss. You can’t make this up.

🎬 TOURISM GUYANA: WELCOME (BUT DON’T FILM REALITY)

Guyana had a rough week with tourists who brought cameras.

Incident #1: The French Vlogger

Antony D’Oliveira, a French travel vlogger, was filming in La Penitence when vendor Quacy McKay decided the appropriate response to being filmed was to slap him in the back of the head.

McKay’s Defense: “I was just trying to move the camera away.”

Judge McGusty: “Sir, that’s not how cameras work.”

Bail: $20,000

The GPF issued a statement saying acts of violence are “unacceptable” and Guyana remains a “safe and welcoming destination.” Nothing says “welcoming” like assault charges.

Incident #2: The British Vlogger

Meanwhile, British vlogger Ellis Riding filmed garbage dumps and rough areas, then called Guyana “one of the most Third World places” he’d seen.

Chronicle’s Response: Published a scathing column calling him a “10th-rate British foot-traveller” with “rotten mentality” who’s probably “paid by the opposition.”

Chronicle’s Defense of Guyana: “It’s dangerous in Miami too!”

New Tourism Slogan Ideas:

• “Guyana: Film at Your Own Risk”
• “We’re Welcoming! (Terms and Conditions Apply)”
• “Visit Guyana: Where Cameras Are Considered Aggression”

🏆 YOUR FRIDAY RECAP

THE GUYANA BRIEF: Your daily dose of “wait, that actually happened?” 🇬🇾

All stories real. All outrage justified. All satire absolutely necessary.