Good morning, Guyana! ☕
Welcome to Monday, where last week’s problems are this week’s problems with a fresh coat of optimistic denial.
Nothing got fixed over the weekend. Shocked? You shouldn’t be.
Today’s menu: GuySuCo gets scolded (again), The Mohameds perfect the art of not leaving, crime stats achieve Olympic-level creativity, and we learn why complaining about bribery is somehow worse than actual bribery. Just another week in paradise!
📊 TODAY’S NUMBERS
Mohamed Appeals: 47 (their lawyer’s yacht fund thanks you)
Opposition Leader Sightings: Still 0 (Day 71 of Where’s Waldo)
Projects “On Track”: Every single one (citation needed)
GuySuCo Targets Met: 0 since records began
🏢 GUYSUCO: THE SCOLDING CONTINUES
President Ali held his regular “Disappointment Summit” with GuySuCo over the weekend, expressing “strong dissatisfaction” with their spectacular failure to meet 2025 production targets.
In other breaking news: Water is wet. The sun rose this morning. The Mohameds are still here.
This is approximately the 47th time we’ve heard this speech. At this point, we should print it on business cards. “GuySuCo: Consistently Missing Targets Since [insert any year].”
GuySuCo’s Greatest Hits:
2023: ❌ Missed (weather’s fault!)
2024: ❌ Missed (equipment issues!)
2025: ❌ Missed (circumstances!)
2026: 🤔 Place your bets now
Success rate: 0% (but very consistent!)
Back in December, the President issued his “strongest warning ever” about consequences. The consequence? This meeting. Truly revolutionary accountability.
Next time we’ll escalate to a “VERY stern” discussion. Maybe even an “EXTREMELY disappointed” PowerPoint presentation. The possibilities are endless!
At this rate, GuySuCo will hit a target right when The Mohameds voluntarily board a plane with packed bags—which is to say, never.
⏳ THE MOHAMEDS: PHD IN NOT LEAVING
Their extradition hearing? Adjourned to February 5th. Shocked? Their lawyer literally said they’re “NOT going anywhere.” That man deserves a truth-in-advertising award.
The US prosecutors asked to “bring forward” the hearing. How adorable! They must be brand new to Guyana’s legal system, where:
- “Expedited” is a philosophical concept, not a timeline
- “Urgent” means “this decade, maybe”
- “Soon” is measured in geological epochs
- “NOT going anywhere” is legally binding prophecy
What Happens First:
- Venus completes 10 orbits around the sun
- GuySuCo meets ALL their targets
- Gas-to-Energy finishes on time
- The Mohameds board a plane
Answer: Still Venus. By a landslide.
Appeal #48 should drop this week. Their legal team works harder than Gas-to-Energy construction crews.
⛽ GAS-TO-ENERGY: “FIRMLY ON TRACK” (TRANSLATION: PANIC MODE)
The project is “firmly on track” for end-2026 completion, according to officials who definitely aren’t sweating bullets.
They’re working “overtime” now! Nothing screams “everything’s going exactly as planned” quite like mandatory overtime six years into a project.
The evolution of optimism:
- 2020: “We’re doing this!” 🎉
- 2021: “Right on schedule!” 👍
- 2022: “Minor hiccups!” 🤷
- 2023: “Still on track!” 😅
- 2024: “Adjustments!” 😓
- 2025: “Progressing!” 😐
- 2026: “FIRMLY on track!” ← You are here
We’re starting to suspect “on track” is government-speak for “please forget we said this.”
📉 CRIME STATS: WHEN MATH MEETS WISHFUL THINKING
The Police Force announced serious crimes dropped 25.5% in 2025! Time to celebrate!
Plot twist: Murders are up 11%. Road deaths up 6% (137 people died). But those apparently don’t qualify as “serious.”
The Formula:
Take crimes that decreased ✅
Completely ignore crimes that increased ❌
Declare total victory 🎉
Hope nobody actually reads the report 🤞
(We read it. Spoiler: We always read it.)
It’s like saying your diet is amazing because you ate less cake while not mentioning you added three extra meals. Technically accurate!
Things NOT “serious crimes”:
- Murder (up 11%)
- Vehicular deaths (up 6%)
- Filing 47 appeals to avoid justice
Things that ARE “serious crimes”:
- Posting videos about bribery (see below)
The GPF wants applause while murder rates climb. Bold strategy!
🚤 GOLDEN GLOVES: 70 YEARS WASN’T ENOUGH
After SEVENTY YEARS of service, Golden Gloves speedboat was shut down for “irregularities.”
This service existed since 1955. Before independence. Before most of us were born. Before The Mohameds discovered appeals were infinite.
Golden Gloves survived:
- Independence, multiple governments, the Cold War, Y2K, smartphones, AND the entire Mohamed legal saga
What finally killed it: Paperwork irregularities.
Meanwhile, The Mohameds have been “regularising” their status for 2+ years with 47 appeals. Nobody’s shutting THEM down.
Priorities, people!
💰 STANLEY BASDEO: SPEED-RUN TO CRIMINAL CHARGES
US businessman posted a video complaining about gun licenses and bribery. Result? Cybercrime charges, $200,000 bail, passport confiscated. Time elapsed: 24 hours.
For comparison:
- The Mohameds: 47 appeals over 2+ years, still have passports
- Stanley: 1 video, passport gone instantly
Guyana Legal System Speed Test:
Charging video complaints: ⚡ 24 hours flat
Extraditing actual criminals: 🐌 847+ days and counting
Fixing the bribery he mentioned: 🤔 File not found
Beautiful irony: He complained about bribery and now he’s in the legal system where… well, you connect the dots.
Official lesson: You can file 47 appeals (totally fine!), but you cannot post one (1) video about known issues (CYBERCRIME!).
🇺🇸 TRUMP DEPORTEE TALKS: CRICKETS
Government in “productive discussions” about accepting deportees—possibly from other countries, not just Guyanese nationals.
Opposition demands transparency. President Ali’s response? Strategic silence perfected.
🏠 HOUSE COLLAPSE: GOVERNMENT RESPONDS QUICKLY (PLOT TWIST!)
La Penitence house collapsed (10 affected). Ministry responded within 24 hours with actual help.
Credit where due—no committees, no “studying it,” just assistance. Refreshing when efficiency doesn’t involve shutting down 70-year businesses!
🏨 MARRIOTT OPENS + FISHERFOLK GRANTS + COSTCO INCOMING
Good news triple-header:
- AC Marriott at Ogle: 250 jobs (98% Guyanese)
- 570 fisherfolk got $150K grants each
- FreshGo bringing Kirkland products Feb 5
Actual money for actual people doing actual things! Revolutionary concept.
Costco opens same day as Mohamed hearing. Choices: Bulk shopping or legal proceedings? We’re choosing toilet paper—given daily news, we need it.
📅 THE WEEK AHEAD (99% Accuracy Guaranteed)
Monday: Everyone pretends last week was an aberration. (It never is.)
Tuesday: Another “on track” update drops. Drinking game: shot per “firmly.” (Don’t actually—you’ll die.)
Wednesday: Appeal #48 incoming. Lawyer’s kids’ college fund says thanks.
Thursday: GuySuCo misses micro-target. Blames solar flares.
Friday: New timeline announced. Outdated upon publication.
Saturday-Sunday: Brief respite. (Mohamed legal team works weekends though.)
📝 THE BOTTOM LINE
Another week of delays (“adjustments”), projects “on track” (overtime panic), legal proceedings at tectonic speeds, and math that would make accountants weep.
The pattern:
Work 70 years? Paperwork violation, shut down.
File appeals 2+ years? Keep going indefinitely!
Meet targets? What’s a target? —GuySuCo’s motto
Post complaint videos? Cybercrime in 24 hours.
GuySuCo misses targets with Swiss-watch precision. Mohameds file appeals with Olympic dedication. Projects stay “on track” via sheer optimism.
But good news exists: jobs created, grants distributed, bulk toilet paper incoming.
Given what we wade through daily, we’ll need it.
Stay informed, Guyana. 🇬🇾
P.S. - If complaints are cybercrime, this newsletter’s toast. Court date: 847 days from now, after 47 adjournments, once The Mohameds finish their masterclass on legal delay tactics.
Your 6-minute Guyana news circus. Subscribe free at guyanadailybrief.com
Satirical digest. Events real, commentary makes you laugh/cry. We read all 4 papers so you don’t have to.