E GUYANA BRIEF
Your 5-Minute Guyana News Circus
Tuesday, January 14, 2026
Good morning, Guyana! ☕
Welcome to Tuesday, where the government launches more apps than Apple, lawyers discover laws actually exist, and we’re still debating whether white elephants make good pets.
Grab your coffee. You’re gonna need it.
S NUMBERS
New Government Apps Announced: 4 (this week)
Laws Magistrates Are Ignoring: “Several” (AG’s words, not ours)
Years Swamp Land Takes to Become Highway: TBD
Census Population Growth: Shocking (to everyone who can count)
White Elephant Projects: Still growing
GREAT LAW YEAR OPENING SPECTACULAR
Or: When Everyone Remembers Laws Exist
Monday was the grand opening of Law Year 2026, and boy, did the legal eagles have THOUGHTS.
Attorney General Anil Nandlall showed up with receipts, pointing out that magistrates have been treating certain laws like terms and conditions—everyone knows they exist, nobody actually reads them.
“The plea-bargaining legislation mandates offering it to defendants,” he reminded everyone, probably while dramatically pointing at the actual law book.
Magistrates everywhere suddenly discovered they have mandatory reading.
Meanwhile, Chancellor Roxane George revealed the judiciary is running on fumes:
- 30,000 criminal cases filed last year
- 700 civil cases
- 100 staff resigned
- Buildings need “heritage specialist” repairs (fancy talk for “really, really old and falling apart”)
The Bar Association President called for “urgent judicial overhaul,” which in government time means “see you in 2028.”
Our Take: Nothing says “functional legal system” like discovering your judges don’t have enough staff to process cases while your magistrates didn’t realize certain laws were mandatory. But hey, at least everyone got together for a nice ceremonial opening!
Reality Check: Trials that used to take 2-3 years now take… well, we’ll let you know when someone finishes one.
ALYPSE NOW
Or: There’s An App For That (Whether You Want It Or Not)
The government has discovered the app store and they’re NOT holding back.
Coming soon to a phone near you:
Local Government Complaint App - Get your concerns “addressed” in 24 hours! (Action not guaranteed, but hey, someone will respond to tell you why nothing can be done)
AskGov AI Chatbot - For when you want government answers with the reliability of ChatGPT and the speed of a sloth
GRA’s Padna App - Because nothing says “pay your taxes” like a cute app name
Ministry of Housing Single Window System - One window to rule them all (good luck finding it)
Minister Priya Manickchand promises NDCs will handle most complaints through the app. Yes, the same NDCs that currently handle complaints by… checks notes… not handling complaints.
The Vision: “First-world digital standards”
The Reality: Have you tried using government WiFi?
Pro Tip: When the app inevitably crashes, just do what Guyanese always do—call your cousin who knows someone who works there.
TO HIGHWAYS: A GUYANESE MIRACLE
President Ali Discovers Ancient Engineering Secret
Breaking news: President Irfaan Ali visited Buzz Bee Dam and made a groundbreaking announcement—swamp land can become roads!
“What you’re seeing here is a full understanding of development and urban planning,” he declared, gesturing at drainage structures as if he’d personally invented the concept of draining swamps.
The four-lane highway project is progressing from swamp to road, which is honestly impressive. But describing it as revelatory makes it sound like we’ve been building highways without drainage this whole time.
Meanwhile, in other infrastructure news:
The Linden to Mabura Hill road is 62% complete! Remember when it was supposed to be done in December 2025? Neither does the government. New target: September 2026.
Translation: Add 6 months to any deadline. It’s the Guyanese way.
S-TO-ENERGY WHITE ELEPHANT WATCH
Or: Should We Have Gone Solar?
Kaieteur News dropped a bombshell editorial asking if we’re building “another white elephant.”
The Math:
- Linden solar farm: US$22.58M for 15MW (≈US$1.5M per MW)
- Hypothetical 300MW solar farm: US$360M
- Gas-to-Energy plant: [redacted because government won’t tell us]
The Comparison:
- Argentina’s 300MW solar plant: US$390M
- Philippines 300MW: US$300M
- Wisconsin 300MW: US$423M
So… why are we building a gas plant when solar is cheaper, cleaner, and doesn’t require pipes from offshore?
Government Response: crickets
But hey, we have natural gas, so we MUST use it! It’s like buying a second car because you have extra garage space—technically logical, economically questionable.
Pro Tip: Don’t ask uncomfortable questions about billion-dollar energy decisions. Just trust the process. It worked great for the Skeldon Sugar Factory!
SHOCKER: PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIVE HERE
Population: 878,674 (More Than We Thought!)
The 2022 census results dropped and Senior Minister Ashni Singh declared victory:
“This vindicates our policies!” he announced, pointing at population growth as proof people want to stay.
OR…
People are staying because:
- Oil money (duh)
- Remigration from neighbors (Venezuela’s problems)
- Children being born (biology)
- Cross-border migration (desperation)
But sure, let’s credit “government policy” for human reproduction rates.
The Spin: “We’ve made Guyana more hospitable!”
The Reality: Guyana has always been hospitable. We just have jobs now.
âš–ï¸ MOHAMEDS UPDATE: STILL HERE, STILL FIGHTING
The arrest warrants for BM Soat employees were withdrawn when they showed up to court.
Plot twist: Showing up to court works! Who knew?
The tax avoidance saga continues, but hey, at least nobody’s fleeing the country this week.
¸ SPORTS CORNER
Guyana Women’s Cricket Team: Won against Windward Islands by 7 runs in dramatic fashion! Actual good news! No satire needed!
They defended a modest 96 runs by taking 3 wickets in the final overs. Sometimes Guyanese excellence needs no commentary.
THOUGHTS
Today’s theme: Everyone’s Trying Really Hard (â„¢)
- Lawyers discovered laws exist
- Government discovered apps exist
- Engineers discovered drainage exists
- Census counters discovered people exist
Progress is being made, just… slowly. Like, really slowly. Glacially slowly. Swamp-turning-into-highway slowly.
But at least we have 4 new apps coming! Sure, they might crash, but they’ll crash in first-world style.
IBE
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Until tomorrow, when we’ll discover what else everyone forgot existed.
Stay informed. Stay laughing. Stay Guyanese.
P.S. - If the government app crashes when you try to complain about the government app crashing, just call your cousin. The old system works.
Tags: #Guyana #News #Satire #LawYear #GovernmentApps #Infrastructure #WhiteElephants #CensusResults