Your 5-minute satirical summary of Guyana’s Monday papers. We read the news so you can laugh at it!
🎯 The Big Story: Former Finance Minister Finally Says What We All Knew
Former Finance Minister Winston Jordan has officially admitted what your taxi driver, your auntie, and every rum shop philosopher has been saying for years: Guyana was exploited by Exxon during the 2016 oil contract negotiations.
In a recent live broadcast, Jordan explained the circumstances: Venezuela was threatening with Essequibo claims, the rice and sugar industries were failing, and the government needed money to fight the border case at the ICJ.
Translation: “We were desperate, they knew we were desperate, and they took full advantage.”
Jordan also revealed that Guyana signed away 600 blocks instead of the industry-standard 60. Yes, you read that right. Ten times more than normal.
The opposition is using this to slam the PPP for not renegotiating. The PPP is using this to slam the APNU+AFC for signing the deal in the first place. Meanwhile, Exxon is quietly pumping oil and laughing all the way to the bank.
🛡️ Border Watch: PM Says We’re “Vigilant” After Venezuela Situation
Prime Minister Mark Phillips announced that Guyana has strengthened border defences following the recent… events… in Venezuela. You know, the ones involving U.S. forces, pre-dawn raids, and the capture of Nicolás Maduro.
The PM said GDF troops are “permanently deployed” along borders with Venezuela, Suriname, and Brazil, and are now in a “heightened state of readiness.”
What this means: More soldiers watching the jungle. More vigilance. More mosquito bites for our brave troops.
Phillips also visited Region One to meet with defence officials and residents. Nothing says “everything is fine” like the Prime Minister personally checking the borders.
🏗️ Infrastructure Update: Moleson Creek Road Moving, Schools… Not So Much
Good News: The Moleson Creek to Eldorado Road project in Region Six is “gaining momentum.” Minister Ramraj says it will unlock thousands of acres of farmland and connect remote riverain communities to coastal markets.
Translation: More roads in the jungle. Progress!
Less Good News: Opposition MP Sherod Duncan visited two hinterland school projects in Region Nine and expressed “concerns” about progress. The $215 million Nappi Secondary School and the $182 million Tabatinga New Secondary School apparently aren’t moving as fast as promised.
Duncan’s assessment: The projects meant to accommodate 300+ students aren’t on track.
Government’s likely response: “The opposition is being negative as usual.”
🗳️ The Leader of Opposition Saga Continues
Trade unionist Lincoln Lewis has renewed calls for Parliament to elect an Opposition Leader, saying the process should have been completed “from the very first sitting of the National Assembly.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Henry Jeffrey wrote a whole column explaining why the PPP is “dragging its feet” on appointing Azruddin Mohamed (whose party WIN is now the largest opposition party).
Letters to the editor are asking why the Speaker hasn’t convened the meeting as constitutionally required.
The score so far:
- Days without Opposition Leader: Too many to count
- People demanding action: Everyone
- Action taken: Zero
💀 Crime Corner: Body Found, Domestic Violence Sentence
Tragic discovery: Police found a woman’s body in a trench between Barbie Dam and Lamaha Springs, Georgetown. The unidentified woman, believed to be 40-50 years old, was found floating with “several visible marks.” Investigation ongoing.
Justice served: Dwayne Bishop got 8 months in prison for assaulting his partner Shellon Zanett at a staff party. He also assaulted Deon Cappelle, a Good Samaritan who tried to intervene.
When someone driving past sees you beating your partner and stops to help, that’s how you know you’ve truly earned your jail time.
🎉 Only In Guyana: Pay-To-Party Culture
Dem Boys Seh in Kaieteur News delivered this gem about modern birthday parties:
“Long time, when somebody got birthday, dem does invite you, feed you, liquor you, and send you home with a doggy bag. Now? Now you paying to celebrate somebody else age increase.”
$8,000 early bird admission to sing “Happy Birthday”? Welcome to 2026, Guyana. We’ve monetized happiness itself.
⚡ Quick Hits
| Story | The Spin |
|---|---|
| Gas bottling plant deadline extended | From Jan 15 to Feb 19. “Strong interest,” says PM. Translation: Nobody ready yet. |
| Four Miles audit requested | Residents protesting alleged mismanagement of gold royalties. Minister clarifies it’s an audit request, not a removal petition. Technicalities! |
| West Indies vs Afghanistan T20 series | Starts today in Dubai. Hetmyer and Shamar Joseph returning from injuries. World Cup prep begins. |
| DPP reports fewer criminal cases | Demerara Criminal Assizes opens with 126 cases (Jan-Mar). Backlog reducing. Small wins! |
📰 Dem Boys Seh Corner
From Kaieteur News:
“You pay entrance, you pay drinks, and you still got to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ with genuine emotion, like you didn’t just swipe your bank card to be there. Food included, dem seh — one chicken back, two grains rice, and a plantain slice thin like it pass through GPL blackout.”
Guyana really is creative. We even monetize happiness now.
🔮 The Week Ahead
- Budget 2026 consultations continue - more meetings with business groups
- Parliament still leaderless on the opposition side - expect more letters demanding action
- Venezuela situation - watch for any spillover effects as things settle
- West Indies cricket - three T20s against Afghanistan in Dubai
💡 The Bottom Line
Start your Monday with this truth bomb: A former Finance Minister just confirmed on live broadcast that we got fleeced by an oil company. Not a rumor. Not speculation. The man who was there says it happened.
But hey, at least we’re getting roads in Berbice and troops on the border. Progress is progress, even when it comes with an asterisk the size of the Essequibo.
Happy Monday, Guyana! ☕🇬🇾
The Daily Brief: We read the news so you can laugh at it.
Read all four papers yourself: Guyana Chronicle | Stabroek News | Kaieteur News | Guyana Times