Your 5-minute tour of regional chaos, served with rum punch

🇻🇪 THE MADURO SITUATION: STILL SITUATING

Two weeks after Uncle Sam yoinked Nicolás Maduro out of Caracas like a bad tooth, the Caribbean is still dealing with the hangover. Thousands of tourists got stranded. Cruise ships played musical chairs in Barbados harbour. And Trinidad? Well, T&T said “sure ting” to letting U.S. military use their airports, which Venezuela called a betrayal. PM Kamla then spent the weekend cussing out the Energy Chamber for allegedly caring more about foreign oil companies than local contractors. Classic Trini Monday.

🇭🇹 HAITI: THE PARTY NOBODY ASKED FOR

Haiti launched Carnival 2026 on Sunday. The theme? “Ayiti Devan!” — Haiti Ahead.

Ahead of what exactly remains unclear, given that:

  • 1.4 million people are displaced by gang violence
  • The Transitional Presidential Council’s immunity expires February 7th
  • Said council just quietly expanded defamation laws (nothing suspicious there)
  • Elections got pushed to August because… gestures broadly at everything

But sure, let’s have a parade. The humanitarian budget for 2026 is $880 million. The Carnival budget? They haven’t said. Probably for the best.

Royal Caribbean took one look at Labadee and said “we good for the whole year actually” — cancelling all 2026 visits. Can’t imagine why.

🇧🇧 BARBADOS: MOTTLEY CALLS IT

PM Mia Mottley dissolved Parliament yesterday faster than sugar in hot tea. Elections February 11th. She announced it at a rally right after the BLP nominated a former DLP minister as their candidate in Bridgetown.

That’s right — the opposition’s own people are crossing over. The DLP watching their bench like 👁️👄👁️

Nominations January 27th. Expect three weeks of yard signs, promises, and your auntie forwarding WhatsApp voice notes at 6 AM.

🇯🇲 JAMAICA: COURTROOM DRAMA CONTINUES

The Donna-Lee Donaldson murder trial reaches closing arguments today. Prosecutors pointed out that accused policeman Noel Maitland made 22 phone calls the day she went missing — from an iPhone nobody can find — but only ONE to her phone.

Defence responds today. Jamaica watching.

In lighter news: murders are actually down in the opening weeks of 2026, and a Chinese medical ship called “Silk Road Ark” is seeing 100 patients daily. The queue started at what time? Jamaicans know.

🇹🇹 TRINIDAD: CARNIVAL, MMA, AND PARANOIA

T&T’s Defence Minister Wayne Sturge says he’s “not afraid” after a man detained under the State of Emergency for allegedly plotting to kill government officials was… released.

“I am not afraid!” he declared, which is exactly what someone who is a little bit afraid would say.

Meanwhile, Panorama season is heating up, the National MMA Championship is January 31st, and Parliament passed the Zones of Special Operations Bill at 3:32 AM because nothing says “transparent democracy” like voting while the nation sleeps.

🚢 CRUISE NEWS: LABADEE GHOSTED

Royal Caribbean said “nah” to Haiti for the entire year. The decision came after gang violence showed no signs of improving. Ships will reroute to… anywhere else, basically.

The cruise line also updated their hibachi menu to include grilled vegetables again after passengers rioted (verbally, on X). Priorities.

🏏 CRICKET CORNER

Barbados Women remain unbeaten in T20 Blaze after thumping Jamaica by 6 wickets. Trishan Holder and Eboni Brathwaite opened with violence — 46 runs in less than 5 overs. Jamaica managed 110, which wasn’t nearly enough.

West Indies preparing for Afghanistan T20Is before the World Cup. The youth team got humbled in Zimbabwe. Growing pains.

✈️ TRAVEL MISERY UPDATE

Caribbean nationals now face:

  • Stricter U.S. visa scrutiny (birth tourism crackdown)
  • Enhanced screening for Citizenship-by-Investment passport holders
  • A 6% decline in visits to the U.S. last year
  • $250 visa integrity fees

America: “Give me your tired, your poor… but fill out these 47 forms first and prove you’re not having a baby.”

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I am not afraid!” — Defence Minister Wayne Sturge, Trinidad & Tobago, sounding exactly like someone writing a memoir titled “I Was A Little Bit Afraid”

That’s your Caribbean in 5 minutes. Now go pretend you read the actual newspapers.