Your 5-minute Guyanese news circus — now with 100% less cash grants ☕🇬🇾
💸 CASH GRANTS: “NOT SUSTAINABLE” — PRESIDENT
What Happened: President Ali declared that future cash grants are “not sustainable,” warning that “some people would use this as a political opportunity.”
The Backstory: Just one year ago, the government was “committed to making future cash grants.” What a difference 365 days makes!
The Math:
- 2025: “We are committed to future cash grants!”
- 2026: “Cash grants are not sustainable.”
- Also 2026: Oil production approaching 1 million barrels per day.
Dem Boys Seh: “When election coming, cash grant sustainable. When election done, cash grant unsustainable. Is like magic — de money just disappear!”
🗑️ GEORGETOWN: MINISTER SAYS “UNACCEPTABLE,” CITY HALL SAYS “WE’LL GET BACK TO YOU”
What Happened: Local Government Minister Priya Manickchand held an emergency virtual meeting with Mayor Alfred Mentore over the “unacceptable” state of Georgetown. The city was given until 11 AM Monday to present a cleanup plan.
The Quote: “Sanitation services, solid waste disposal, garbage collection etc must be reliable, predictable and effective. Or they are wasting time.”
Translation: Georgetown smells like a combination of stagnant drain water, burning garbage, and broken promises.
Current Status of Georgetown:
- ☐ Clean
- ☐ Habitable
- ☑️ A talking point for politicians
Dem Boys Seh: “City Hall got till 11 AM to fix Georgetown. De garbage pile got till noon to laugh.”
👩🏫 TEACHERS UNION: “WE’VE BEEN WRITING LETTERS, NOBODY ANSWERING”
What Happened: GTU President Coretta McDonald says the Education Ministry is delaying a crucial meeting on teacher promotions. Teachers haven’t been promoted in three years, and many are retiring without the positions they deserved.
The Problem: The Teaching Service Commission was reconstituted without an Opposition Leader in place — which the GTU says is “a direct ploy by the government.”
Ministry’s Apparent Strategy:
- Receive letter requesting meeting
- Look at letter
- Put letter in drawer
- Repeat
McDonald’s Assessment: “The longer the ministry delays the meeting with the GTU, our teachers are going to be in jeopardy again.”
Dem Boys Seh: “Teacher write letter to Ministry. Ministry write letter to TSC. TSC write letter to President. President write letter to 2027.”
🏫 HINTERLAND SCHOOLS: “FAR FROM OPERATIONAL READINESS” — OPPOSITION
What Happened: Opposition MP Sherod Duncan visited two school construction sites in Region Nine — the $215 million Nappi Secondary School and the $182 million Tabatinga Secondary School — and reported concerns about progress.
Duncan’s Finding: The schools are “far from operational readiness.”
Government’s Likely Response: “The projects are 90% complete and on track for completion soon.”
The Eternal Guyanese Infrastructure Formula:
- Announced: 100% enthusiasm
- Groundbreaking: 100% ribbon
- Completion: 90% (forever)
⛽ GAS-TO-ENERGY: CONTROL ROOMS ARRIVE AT WALES
What Happened: Control rooms for the Gas-to-Energy project were transported to the Wales site on Saturday evening, marking “another key milestone.”
Translation: Big boxes arrived. Milestone achieved.
Project Status Update:
- ✅ Boxes delivered
- ✅ Photos taken
- ✅ Press release issued
- ⏳ Actual gas flowing: End of 2026 (we think)
Dem Boys Seh: “Control room reach Wales. Now we just need de gas, de pipes, de turbines, de transmission lines, and de prayers.”
🏥 HOSPITAL TRAGEDY: GPHC LAUNCHES INVESTIGATION
What Happened: A 22-year-old pregnant woman died after jumping from the third-floor window of the female medical ward at Georgetown Public Hospital on Sunday evening. The hospital has launched an internal investigation.
The Questions: Family members are asking how a patient “displaying clear psychological distress” was able to leave her bed unaccompanied and access a window.
GPHC Statement: The hospital says a psychiatric evaluation was conducted and “no psychotic symptoms or suicidal thoughts” were identified.
If You Need Help: The Mental Health Unit’s Suicide Prevention Hotline is 915. A mental health emergency is a real emergency.
🌊 NEW PASSENGER VESSEL: “SOON TO BE RENAMED”
What Happened: A 2024-built vessel arrived from Greece to serve Region One (Barima-Waini). The ship sailed 5,200 nautical miles across the Atlantic.
Highlights:
- Fully air-conditioned
- Brand new seating
- Will “shorten travel time significantly”
The Real Question: What will they name it?
Our Suggestions:
- MV Slow But Sure
- MV We Reach When We Reach
- MV Better Than The Last One
- MV Sea Minibus
🗳️ OPPOSITION LEADER: STILL LOADING…
What Happened: Letters to the editor are now asking the Speaker of the National Assembly to explain why he hasn’t convened the meeting to elect an Opposition Leader — over 3 months after elections.
Government’s Position: “We have no role in this.”
Speaker’s Position: [No comment available]
Constitutional Position: Article 184 says the Speaker must convene the meeting.
Actual Position: 🤷
Dem Boys Seh: “Opposition Leader seat so empty, spider done build house inside.”
📊 INFLATION: THE NUMBERS VS THE VIBES
What Happened: A Stabroek News letter writer pointed out that official CPI data claims housing costs decreased by 1% since 2020.
The Official Numbers:
- Housing: -1.0%
- Food: +50.7%
- Transportation: +3.3%
The Reality: Try renting an apartment in Georgetown for 2020 prices. Go ahead. We’ll wait.
Bonus: The New Guyana Marketing Corporation has stopped publishing market prices. No data, no problem!
Dem Boys Seh: “According to government, everything cheap. According to market, everything expensive. According to we pocket, nothing deh inside.”
🏏 SPORTS CORNER
West Indies will warm up for the T20 World Cup with a three-match series against Afghanistan in Dubai. The World Cup starts February 7 in India and Sri Lanka.
Guyana Women’s Cricket: Captain Shemaine Campbelle scored an unbeaten 50 as the defending champions beat Jamaica by 4 wickets in the CWI Women’s Blaze T20 Championships.
☀️ WEATHER
Georgetown: Partly cloudy with scattered showers of government announcements. High of 31°C. 90% chance of someone saying “milestone.”
🎯 FINAL SCORE
| Topic | Government Says | Reality |
|---|---|---|
| Cash grants | Not sustainable | Oil revenue: very sustainable |
| Georgetown | Unacceptable | Also unacceptable yesterday |
| Teacher promotions | We’re working on it | 3 years and counting |
| Opposition Leader | Not our problem | Also not solved |
| Inflation | Under control | Your grocery bill: LOL |
That’s your Tuesday. Georgetown is dirty, teachers are waiting, cash grants are cancelled, and somewhere a control room is sitting in Wales wondering what it did to deserve this.
Read more at guyanadailybrief.com
Disclaimer: The Guyana Brief is satirical commentary. We read four newspapers so you don’t have to. Any resemblance to actual competence is purely coincidental.