Welcome to the Rumor Mill - where we imagine what Georgetown might be whispering about if Georgetown whispered about completely fictional things. Any resemblance to real persons or events is coincidental and honestly impressive.
💬 OVERHEARD AT OASIS
A certain well-dressed gentleman was spotted at Oasis Cafe explaining to his lunch companion why the garbage situation is “actually a strategic opportunity for community engagement.”
His companion reportedly asked: “So when the garbage getting picked up?”
The gentleman’s response: “You’re missing the bigger picture.”
The garbage, we’re told, is still there.
💬 THE ROUNDABOUT CHRONICLES
Commuters stuck at Eccles Roundabout have reportedly started a WhatsApp group called “Roundabout Therapy.”
Activities include:
- Sharing audiobook recommendations for the 45-minute wait
- Rating which lane moves fastest (spoiler: none of them)
- Debating whether to just swim across the river instead
One member allegedly suggested they should hold their own parliament sessions during peak hours since “we have more time than the National Assembly anyway.”
💬 POLITICAL MUSICAL CHAIRS
Word on the street is that certain opposition figures have been practicing their “congratulations” speeches - the kind you give when you don’t mean it.
Meanwhile, other opposition figures have allegedly been practicing their “I told you so” speeches for approximately six months from now.
Everyone, it seems, is rehearsing for a play nobody has finished writing.
💬 THE SOLAR PANEL SITUATION
A Linden businessman reportedly told his wife: “We getting solar panels!”
His wife: “Good, we saving money!”
Him: “No, the government building them.”
His wife: “So we saving money?”
Him: “Eventually. Maybe. The meeting say so.”
His wife: “So I should still pay GPL this month?”
Him: “…yes.”
💬 COURTHOUSE FASHION WATCH
Legal observers have noticed an uptick in expensive suits at the Georgetown courthouse.
“When the lawyers dress better than the judges,” one observer noted, “you know the case is either very important or very expensive. Usually both.”
Coffee sales at nearby shops have reportedly tripled. Extended hearings are good for business.
💬 THE MASH PREPARATION DRAMA
A Georgetown mas camp is allegedly in crisis mode after their lead designer announced the theme would be “Sustainable Fashion” - meaning recycled materials only.
Band members are reportedly concerned that “recycled” might mean “those same feathers from 2019.”
The designer insists it’s “innovation.”
The band members insist it’s “budget cuts with extra steps.”
💬 DIPLOMATIC DINNER DISASTER
A certain embassy reportedly held a dinner last week where the main course arrived late because - you guessed it - the delivery truck got stuck in Eccles traffic.
By the time the food arrived, the appetizers had been so thoroughly consumed that one diplomat allegedly asked if “the bread basket counts as the main course in Guyanese culture.”
It does not. But everyone was too polite to say so.
💬 THE GYM CONFESSION
Overheard at a Georgetown gym, 6 AM:
Person 1: “You hear about the Police Academy thing?”
Person 2: “Yeah, serious allegations.”
Person 1: “At least they investigating.”
Person 2: “True. Pass the weights.”
Person 1: “You think they’ll actually find anything?”
Person 2: “Brother, I just trying to do my biceps. Save the politics for after coffee.”
💬 VENDOR WISDOM
A Stabroek Market vendor, when asked about the Opposition Leader situation:
“I don’t follow politics. I follow money. When somebody come to my stall, I don’t ask who they vote for. I ask what they buying.”
Pause
“But if you ask me personally? All ah dem need to sit down and talk. This country too small for all this drama.”
She then sold three pounds of tomatoes and moved on with her day.
The Rumor Mill is entirely fictional and meant for entertainment. We make up everything. Don’t sue us.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations in this column are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. This is satire, not reporting.