The fictional gossip column where NOBODY is real and EVERYTHING is made up ☕
Darlings!
Is yuh girl Bam-Bam Sally here, and CHILE… de streets TALKING this week! Me phone ain’t stop buzzing since Speaker Man drop dat “international fugitive” bomb in Parliament!
But before we get into dat tea, remember: EVERYTHING in this column is FICTION. All names are MADE UP. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental and probably means yuh guilty conscience acting up!
Now, let we get into it! ☕
💅 THE “SOMEBODY WARN HIM” CHRONICLES
Word on de street is that a certain POLITICAL FIGURE (let we call him “Rudy from Richmond Hill”) been getting phone calls from ALL OVER de diaspora telling him: “Bai, yuh SURE yuh want dis Opposition Leader ting?”
Apparently, “Rudy” been answering every call with: “Me lawyers say me fine.”
But here de ting, darling — when yuh need LAWYERS to tell yuh yuh fine, yuh probably NOT fine!
One little birdie tell me dat “Rudy” wife (let we call she “Sandra”) been asking some VERY pointed questions like: “So if we can’t travel to America, where we going for Christmas? VENEZUELA?!”
Chile, de irony!
🎭 THE TIKTOK LAWYER
So a FORMER PARLIAMENTARIAN (let we call him “Charlie from Corentyne”) decide he was gon challenge de ATTORNEY GENERAL on LEGAL TERMINOLOGY… on TIKTOK!
Darling, de confidence!
Sources say “Charlie” spent THREE HOURS making dat video, complete with dramatic pauses and hand gestures. He even had he wife hold de ring light!
But den de AG went on TV and read de ACTUAL LAW, word for word, like a teacher correcting a child who ain’t do de homework.
Now “Charlie” phone going straight to voicemail and he TikTok comments section look like a crime scene!
Lesson learned: Don’t challenge lawyers about law on social media. Dat never end well!
👀 THE BELGIAN CONNECTION
Me hear a certain MINISTER (let we call him “Danny from Diamond”) had a meeting with some BELGIANS about ports.
Now, de official story is “technical cooperation.”
But one of me sources — a maid who work for somebody who know somebody who was serving de tea at de meeting — say de Belgians couldn’t believe how CHEAP de land prices are in Guyana!
One Belgian man allegedly whisper to he colleague: “In Antwerp, this would cost 100 times more!”
Belgium discovering what we know all along — Guyana is de best kept secret in de Caribbean! Well, it WAS a secret…
💊 DE 70KG STORY
So CANU catch 70 KILOS of cocaine in Parika, right?
De official story: “Information received.”
De STREET story? Apparently, one of de men involve was bragging at a bar de night before about how he was about to “come into some money.”
He even bought a round of drinks for EVERYBODY!
De next morning? CANU at he door.
Loose lips sink ships, darling. And in dis case, loose lips get yuh 25 years!
🏃 THE STADIUM SITUATION
Bayrock Stadium opening January 31 and EVERYBODY in Linden want invitation to de ceremony!
Me hear one REGIONAL OFFICIAL (let we call him “Ricky from Republic Avenue”) been printing “VIP” passes from he HOME PRINTER and giving dem out to friends!
Problem is, he print like 200 passes… and de VIP section only hold 50 people!
January 31 gon be INTERESTING when 200 people show up claiming VIP access!
💔 HEARTS CORNER
Word is that a certain YOUNG PROFESSIONAL (let we call him “Kevin from Kitty”) been telling he girlfriend he working late every night on “important government projects.”
But me neighbor sister cousin see “Kevin” at MovieTowne TWICE this week… with somebody who definitely NOT he girlfriend!
De girlfriend found out when she see de SAME MOVIE listed on he credit card statement that she TOLD him she wanted to see together!
Kevin, darling, if yuh gon cheat, at least use CASH! Dis is basic infidelity mathematics!
👂 OVERHEARD THIS WEEK
At Bourda Market: “So if he become Opposition Leader, we can’t sell we pepper sauce to America no more?” “Dat is not how sanctions work.” “But yuh SURE?”
At a Georgetown rum shop: “Me hear de Speaker say ‘international fugitive’ and me nearly choke on me beer!” “Dat man bold, boy.” “Bold? Dat man got STEEL! In he SPINE!”
At CJIA arrivals: “Welcome back! How was yuh trip?” “De immigration line in Miami was shorter dan HERE.” “…yuh not wrong.”
At a Linden grocery: “Yuh going to de stadium opening?” “If me could get VIP pass!” “Me hear Ricky printing dem at he house…” “Say NO MORE!”
🔮 BAM-BAM’S PREDICTIONS
Based on ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but me imagination:
- Somebody gon viral this week for something STUPID on social media
- At least THREE people gon claim dem “know somebody” who involved in de cocaine bust
- “Rudy” lawyers gon have MORE meetings
- “Charlie” gon make ANOTHER TikTok (he can’t help heself)
- Ricky VIP pass situation gon blow up spectacularly
⚠️ REMINDER
ALL OF THIS IS FICTION!
Me eh know no “Rudy” or “Sandra” or “Charlie” or “Danny” or “Kevin” or “Ricky.” These are MADE UP NAMES for MADE UP SITUATIONS for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!
If yuh read dis and feel ATTACKED, dat is between you and yuh conscience! Me just here writing FICTION!
Bam-Bam Sally is a fictional character. This column is satire. No real people are referenced. Please don’t sue we.
Until next week, darlings! Stay hydrated, stay humble, and STAY OUT OF CANU WAY!
💋 Bam-Bam Sally
The Rumor Mill is a fictional gossip column. All characters, names, and situations are entirely imaginary. This is satirical entertainment and should not be taken as factual reporting.