⚠️ DISCLAIMER: This is a SATIRICAL gossip column. ALL names, characters, and scenarios are ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. No actual gossip or real people are referenced here.
🎤 WAH GWAAN GUYANA! IS BAM-BAM SALLY HERE WITH DE TEA! ☕
Chile, dis week been SPICY! Me phone ringing off de hook with people wanting to share dem stories. So grab yuh doubles, sit down good, and let Bam-Bam tell yuh wah going on in de streets!
💍 WEDDING BELLS OR WEDDING HELL?
So me hear bout dis situation in Kitty. A lady name Patsy Placeholder been planning she wedding for SIX MONTHS. Dress ordered from Miami, cake from de best baker in town, venue booked at a fancy hotel.
Two days before de wedding, she find out de groom — let we call he Ricky Runaway — been seeing she BEST FRIEND de whole time!
How she find out? De best friend post a picture on Instagram with de SAME RING Ricky gave Patsy! Same ring! Same EXACT design! De man buy TWO of de same ring like he getting bulk discount on infidelity!
Patsy cancel de wedding, keep de dress, and now she planning a “Dodged a Bullet” party instead. She say de cake still coming — but now it saying “THANK GOD I FOUND OUT” instead of “Forever Together.”
Ricky still trying to explain. He say it was “a misunderstanding.” Sir, how you misunderstand putting a ring on TWO different women fingers?!
🚗 DE MYSTERY OF DE MISSING PRADO
A businessman in Georgetown — we gon call he Charlie Cashflow — park he brand new Prado in front of a certain establishment on Sheriff Street last Friday night.
When he come out THREE HOURS later (what he was doing for three hours, Bam-Bam eh asking), de Prado GONE!
Now here’s where it get interesting. De Prado show up de NEXT DAY… parked in front of HE WIFE house in Berbice! With a NOTE on de windshield saying “Next time tell she where you really going.”
Charlie wife say she ain’t know nothing bout it. De Prado drove itself home, she say.
Chile, dem Prados getting smart these days! They does drive themselves right to where de truth living!
Charlie now taking taxi everywhere. He say de Prado “in de shop.” Sure, Charlie. Sure.
🍲 COOK-UP CONFUSION
At a family gathering in Linden last Sunday, TWO sister-in-laws show up with de SAME cook-up recipe — and both claiming it was THEIR grandmother original recipe.
Aunty Bernice Bickering say she grandmother teach she de recipe in 1985. Aunty Mildred Mixup say HER grandmother create de recipe in 1972 and Bernice grandmother THIEF it!
De argument get so heated, one of dem THROW de cook-up on de ground! A whole pot of cook-up! Wasted! In THIS economy!
De family now divided. Half eating by Bernice, half eating by Mildred. Thanksgiving gon be INTERESTING this year.
Meanwhile, de grandfather sitting in de corner laughing. He say both grandmothers get de recipe from a THIRD woman name Miss Daphne who pass away in 1990. But nobody eh listening to he.
De truth buried with Miss Daphne, but de beef living on!
📱 WHATSAPP WARFARE
A group chat in Berbice EXPLODE dis week when somebody accidentally send a voice note to de WRONG GROUP.
Cindy Chatty meant to send a voice note complaining about she neighbor to she best friend. Instead, she send it to de NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH group — which include DE SAME NEIGHBOR she was complaining about!
Five minutes of pure roast. Talking bout de neighbor loud music, de neighbor ugly fence, de neighbor husband who “look like he never see a gym in he life.”
De neighbor — let we call she Gloria Gotcha — respond with she OWN voice note. Ten minutes long. She pull up receipts from 2019! Talking bout when Cindy borrow she lawn mower and never return it!
De group chat now have 47 unread messages and counting. Two people leave de group. One person add MORE people so they could watch de drama.
Bam-Bam got de screenshots. But me keeping dem safe. For now. 👀
🎂 BIRTHDAY BASH DRAMA
A sweet sixteen party in Georgetown turn SOUR when de birthday girl — Tiffany Teenager — find out she boyfriend been texting she cousin de WHOLE PARTY.
How she find out? De boyfriend leave he phone on de table when he went to get cake. De phone light up with a message from “Baby Cousin 💕” saying “Meet me by de pool in 5 minutes.”
Baby Cousin name is actually KEVIN. De boyfriend been texting KEVIN de whole time!
Tiffany confront dem both by de pool. In front of EVERYBODY. De DJ stop de music. Even de caterers stop and watch.
Kevin say “We was just talking bout de party.” Sir, you don’t need heart emojis to talk bout party planning!
Tiffany single now. She say “Sixteen and stress-free.” Kevin and de ex-boyfriend? Dem friendship looking real complicated now.
🏪 CORNER SHOP CHRONICLES
De lady who run de shop on Camp Street — we calling she Miss Penny Pincher — finally find out who been stealing she cheese from de fridge.
She install a secret camera last month. Guess who de thief was? HER OWN HUSBAND!
Every night, Mr. Penny Pincher been sneaking down at 2am, cutting a slice of cheese, and going back to bed. For EIGHT MONTHS!
Miss Penny calculate de losses: $47,000 worth of cheese! She say de man lucky she love he, otherwise she would charge he full price!
Mr. Penny Pincher defense? “De cheese does call me in de night.”
Sir, if cheese talking to you at 2am, you need more than a snack. You need a therapist!
💅 BAM-BAM’S BEAUTY TIP OF THE WEEK
Chile, de best foundation is CONFIDENCE. And de best concealer is MINDING YUH OWN BUSINESS.
But if yuh MUST know other people business… that’s what Bam-Bam here for! 😘
📞 SEND ME YUH STORIES!
Yuh got tea to spill? Yuh neighbor acting suspicious? Yuh cousin wedding got drama?
Bam-Bam want to HEAR IT!
All stories will be fictionalized to protect de innocent (and de guilty). Names changed, details adjusted, but de ESSENCE of de drama preserved!
Until next time, keep yuh ears open and yuh mouth closed… unless yuh talking to Bam-Bam! 💋
Bam-Bam Sally is a fictional character. This column is satirical entertainment. No real persons or events are depicted.