🚦 DJ ROADBLOCK’S FRIDAY TRAFFIC REPORT 🚦 Broadcasting Live from Somewhere Between Your House and Work — Where You’ve Been Stuck Since 6 AM
YEAHHHHH GUYANA! It’s your boy DJ Roadblock coming at you LIVE from the most congested nation per capita in the entire Caribbean! 🔊🔊🔊
🚗 DEM BOYS SEH IT BEST: “MORE ROAD, MORE TRAFFIC”
Aye, Dem Boys from Kaieteur drop the science today and DJ Roadblock has to give them a big up! They said: “De more road yuh build, de more traffic yuh get. Is like hunger — de more yuh cook, de more people turn up with spoon.”
TRUTH! 🎯
They compared road widening to “buying bigger pants instead of going on a diet.” Today four lanes, tomorrow six lanes, next week we paving people’s yard. This is the REALEST traffic analysis anyone has done in this country. Forget the consultants, forget the engineers — Dem Boys just solved the puzzle in two paragraphs.
🔴 FRIDAY TRAFFIC HOTSPOTS
ECCLES ROUNDABOUT — THE EVENT HORIZON
Status: 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴 CRITICAL
Nothing goes in, nothing comes out. The Eccles Roundabout has officially become a black hole. Scientists are studying it. NASA called. They said even the Mars Rover moves faster. If you entered the roundabout at 7:00 AM, you might exit by the time the budget debate finishes. And that could be NEXT WEEK.
EAST BANK DEMERARA — THE CORRIDOR OF TEARS
Status: 🔴🔴🔴🔴 SEVERE
The four-lane highway that was supposed to solve everything has solved absolutely nothing. All it did was give more people the confidence to drive, which means MORE cars on MORE lanes creating the SAME traffic. Dem Boys was right — bigger pants, same belly.
DEMERARA HARBOUR BRIDGE — PROCEED WITH CAUTION
Status: 🟡🟡🟡 MODERATE
After the truck crash incident, everybody driving extra careful on the bridge. Which is good for safety but terrible for speed. The man who caused the crash was driving without a licence, without insurance, with a faulty truck, and an improperly packed load. At this point the bridge has seen more drama than Parliament.
SHERIFF STREET TO UG ROAD — THE DAILY MARATHON
Status: 🔴🔴🔴🔴 SEVERE
School traffic plus work traffic plus market traffic plus random construction traffic equals PURE CHAOS. Children sleeping in backseat, mother vex, father vexer, everybody late. Olympic-level preparation just to reach work before the boss start watching clock like CCTV.
MANDELA AVENUE — THE SURVIVAL COURSE
Status: 🟡🟡🟡 MODERATE
Slightly better today because it’s Friday and half the civil service probably taking a long weekend. Government workers moving at government speed — slow, but consistent.
🎵 DJ ROADBLOCK’S FRIDAY PLAYLIST
While you sitting in traffic contemplating your life choices:
- 🎶 “Sitting in Limbo” — Jimmy Cliff (your new commute anthem)
- 🎶 “Don’t Stop the Music” — because the horn concert never stops
- 🎶 “Road to Nowhere” — Talking Heads (literally)
- 🎶 “I Can’t Drive 55” — You can barely drive 5 on the East Bank
- 🎶 “Patience” — Guns N’ Roses (dedicated to everyone at Eccles roundabout)
📊 DJ ROADBLOCK’S FRIDAY STATS
| Route | Normal Time | Actual Time | Vex Level |
|---|---|---|---|
| Providence to Georgetown | 15 min | 55 min | 🤬🤬🤬🤬 |
| East Bank to Stabroek | 20 min | 1 hr 10 min | 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 |
| Harbour Bridge crossing | 10 min | 35 min | 🤬🤬🤬 |
| Sheriff St to UG | 8 min | 40 min | 🤬🤬🤬🤬 |
| Anywhere to Anywhere | ??? | Too long | 😤😤😤😤😤 |
🏆 ROADBLOCK AWARDS OF THE WEEK
🥇 Most Creative Excuse for Being Late: “Boss, I was in the Eccles roundabout. I still technically in the roundabout.”
🥈 Best New Traffic Solution Proposed: “Just build a helicopter pad on every house.”
🥉 Most Optimistic Commuter: The person who left home at 5:30 AM thinking they’d “beat the traffic.”
🎤 DJ ROADBLOCK’S FRIDAY SHOUTOUT
Big shoutout to the 34,923 tourists who visited Guyana in January! Welcome to our beautiful country! We hope you enjoyed the authentic Guyanese experience of sitting in traffic while staring at a new road that somehow made things worse. Please come again — by the time you return, the same road will have two more lanes and STILL be congested!
BEEP BEEP! 📢 That’s your Friday report, Guyana! Drive safe this weekend — or better yet, walk. It’s probably faster.
DJ Roadblock OUT! 🎧
DJ Roadblock is a fictional satirical character. All traffic commentary is humorous exaggeration for entertainment purposes. Please obey all traffic laws and drive safely.