⚠️ DISCLAIMER: Back-a-Truck is a FICTIONAL satirical classifieds column. ALL listings, persons, and scenarios are COMPLETELY MADE UP for entertainment purposes. No real persons, businesses, or products are referenced. Do NOT attempt to contact any “sellers” listed here — they don’t exist! FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY.
🚛 BACK-A-TRUCK! SATURDAY EDITION!
Aye! Back de truck up, people! February deals coming in HOT! Mashramani around de corner, Valentine’s Day next week, and everybody trying to look GOOD without spending TOO much!
Beep beep beep! 🚛
🎭 MASHRAMANI SPECIALS
FOR SALE: Slightly Used Carnival Costume Wore it ONCE for a fitting. Then the seamstress say she “reimagining the design” and made a completely different costume that don’t fit. Original was a Peacock Queen. New version looks more like a Confused Parrot. Asking: $35,000 OBO. Feathers included. Dignity not included.
FOR SALE: 200 Yards of Gold Sequin Fabric Ordered for a 15-person band. Band disbanded after creative differences (de leader wanted African theme, de treasurer wanted “Space Cowboys,” and NOBODY could agree). Asking: $8,000/yard. Will trade for someone who can actually organize a band.
🚗 VEHICLES
FOR SALE: 4-Door Pickup Truck 2024 model, 2,000cc. Owner selling because Budget 2026 dropping duty so much he might as well buy a NEW one. Asking: $6,500,000. “Before de budget pass and me truck lose value faster dan de Guyana dollar in 1990.”
FOR SALE: Honda ATV Purchased for $3.5M last month. Budget 2026 says ATVs will be under $2M after duty removal. Owner currently crying into he mining helmet. Asking: $2,800,000. “Just tek it before me heart break completely.”
🏠 PROPERTY
FOR RENT: 1 Bedroom Apartment, Georgetown “Cozy” (translation: small). Walking distance to Stabroek Market (translation: noisy). “Character” (translation: old). But it got RELIABLE water (3 days a week) and GPL MOSTLY works. Asking: $55,000/month. First, last, and a prayer deposit.
FOR SALE: Primo VIP Seating — Bayroc Stadium Wait, no. This is a fictional classified. We’re not selling fake VIP passes. Ask “Ricky” for that.
💝 VALENTINE’S DAY SECTION
AVAILABLE: Professional Apology Writer Did you forget last Valentine’s Day? Did you buy she a BLENDER last Christmas? Do you need to make up for MULTIPLE offenses before February 14?
Our team of fictional writers will craft the PERFECT apology card. Options include:
- “I’m Sorry (Basic)” — $2,000
- “I’m Really Sorry (Moderate)” — $5,000
- “Please Don’t Leave Me (Critical)” — $15,000
- “I’ll Do Whatever You Want Including Going to Your Mother’s House Every Sunday” — $50,000
WANTED: Valentine’s Date Must enjoy long walks (because me car break down), candlelit dinners (because GPL off), and meaningful conversation (because me phone dead). Serious inquiries only. “Serious” meaning yuh actually exist and not a catfish.
📱 ELECTRONICS
FOR SALE: Phone with Incriminating Evidence Just kidding. But if you’re “Shantal” from Sally’s column, you should probably buy a new phone. And delete your Instagram. And maybe move.
FOR SALE: Printer + Laminator Combo Slightly used. Previous owner was in the “event pass” business. He no longer needs it for… reasons. Asking: $45,000 for both. QR code software NOT included.
🍲 FOOD CORNER
Mashramani Weekend Market Forecast:
| Item | Estimated Price | Vendor Prediction |
|---|---|---|
| BBQ Chicken | $500-800/quarter | “Price go up closer to Mash!” |
| Corn Soup | $300-500/cup | “Good soup, good vibes” |
| Metemgee | $800-1,200/plate | “Full belly, full heart” |
| Coconut Water | $200-400 | “Fresh from de tree!” |
| Sugar Cake | $100-200/piece | “Just like granny make!” |
📣 SERVICES
AVAILABLE: Excuse Generator for Missing Budget Debate Were you supposed to watch the budget debate but watched Netflix instead? We provide customized excuses for your politically active family members. Sample excuses: “GPL went off,” “Me internet slow,” “I was praying for de nation,” and the premium excuse: “I was so moved by the debate I had to step away to compose myself.”
BACK-A-TRUCK REMINDER:
None of these listings are real! Don’t call anybody! Don’t show up anywhere! Don’t try to buy de ATV!
But if you laughed? Mission accomplished. 🇬🇾
Beep beep beep! 🚛
Back-a-Truck is a fictional classifieds column. All listings are satirical. No real products, persons, or services are referenced.