Back-A-Truck: Guyana’s fictional marketplace. All listings fictional. All prices negotiable. No returns.
FOR SALE: One nearly-functioning ceiling fan. Does work. Does also make a sound like a small helicopter preparing for takeoff. You will get used to it. Selling because wife says she can’t think. $4,500 or best offer. Call after 6pm when she sleeping.
WANTED: A tradesman who will actually show up on the day agreed. Not the day after. Not three days after. Not “later in the week.” THE. DAY. AGREED. Willing to pay premium. Willing to cook lunch. Will write a testimonial. Will name firstborn after you if necessary. Please be real.
FOR SALE: One aquarium, complete with pump, filter, gravel, and two fish that survived five years and three moves and appear to be immortal. Fish not included in price. Fish have earned their freedom. Aquarium: $3,000. Fish: non-negotiable. They stay.
NOTICE: To the person who has been borrowing the green garden hose from the yard on a certain fictional street in Kitty for the past four months — we know it’s you. We’re not vex. We’re just asking that you bring it back before dry season start because we need it. No hard feelings. Tea available if you want to talk about it.
FOR SALE: Collection of motivational books in excellent condition. All unread. Spines perfect. Messages inside still valid. Selling because motivation must come from within and also from not having forty-seven books staring at you from a shelf making you feel bad. $500 the lot or $20 each. Also will swap for one good fiction book.
WANTED: Someone to explain how to use the government’s new online services portal. Tried three times. Filled out form. Received confirmation. Received second confirmation. Received email saying first confirmation was incorrect. Filled out form again. Currently on step 4 of 11. Help appreciated. Can pay in food.
FOR SALE: One rooster. Answers to “Trouble.” Does not answer at reasonable hours. Crows at 3:47am with a consistency that would impress a Swiss watchmaker. Healthy, loud, very proud of himself. Selling because the neighbourhood has reached consensus. $800. Buyer must collect. Buyer must also accept full moral responsibility for what happens next wherever they take him.
FREE TO GOOD HOME: One small dog of uncertain breed but certain personality. Friendly with people. Less friendly with motorcycles, plastic bags, the colour red, and Tuesday mornings specifically. Vaccinated. Neutered. Has opinions. Will sit on your feet while you work. Good home only. References required. He will know if you’re lying.
Back-A-Truck classifieds are fictional. Do not attempt to contact sellers. Do not attempt to purchase Trouble the rooster. He knows what he is.