The Bounty Board: fictional rewards for fictional problems. All listings satirical.
🔴 WANTED: Whoever designed the road markings on a certain roundabout in Georgetown
The markings suggest going left means going right, straight means something else, and the yield sign is decorative. Three near-accidents last Tuesday alone. One driver stopped in the middle of the roundabout and got out to look at the lines from different angles. He’s still not sure.
Reward: A compass. And a conversation.
🔴 WANTED: The pothole on the fictional stretch near the fictional market
Known associates: several smaller potholes in the surrounding area. Last seen: yesterday, as large as ever, full of ambition. Has now consumed two hubcaps, one umbrella, and the faith of a nearby resident who used to believe in infrastructure.
Reward: Whoever fills this pothole gets one home-cooked meal from the block. Offer is serious. Offer has been standing since November.
🟡 WANTED: One reliable WiFi signal in the back room of a fictional house somewhere on the East Coast
The front of the house: excellent signal. The kitchen: acceptable. The back room where the actual work happens: one bar, flickering, judging you. Router has been moved, restarted, stared at, spoken to, and lightly threatened. Nothing helps.
Reward: Gratitude. Also whatever snacks are in the house at the time.
🟡 WANTED: The group chat admin who added you to “Community Updates” without asking
The group now has 234 members, sends 47 good morning messages daily, has never once contained an actual community update, and cannot be left without creating “drama.” The admin has not posted since February 3rd. The admin may not be aware the group still exists.
Reward: If you find them, don’t tell them. We can’t afford the drama of them returning now.
🟢 MISSING: The dry season
Last seen around December. Should have returned by now. Expected arrival: unclear. Current situation: overcast, humid, the kind of heat that sits on your shoulders and breathes on your neck. Has been reliably arriving every year for decades. This year: running late.
If found: Please send immediately. No questions asked.
🟢 MISSING: The tradesman who took a $15,000 deposit for a job in January
He was going to “come back Monday.” That was eleven Mondays ago. Phone occasionally rings out. Once went to voicemail. Voicemail box is full.
Reward: The other half of his payment if he finishes the job. We are not even vex anymore. We just need the ceiling done.
🔵 REWARD OFFERED: For whoever can explain the following
Why the bread at the bakery costs $50 more on weekends. The bread is the same bread. The bakery is the same bakery. The wheat did not increase in price between Friday and Saturday. An explanation — even a fictional one — would be appreciated.
Reward: $50. Specifically the $50 we keep overpaying for weekend bread.
The Bounty Board is a fictional feature. No actual rewards are being offered. Except for the pothole one. That one is real. You know who you are.