📋 PROGRESS REPORT — MARCH 2026
A satirical assessment of government projects and national promises.
PROJECT: $100,000 National Cash Grant STATUS: Partially Launched UPDATE: Bank account holders receiving funds. Citizens without bank accounts waiting on a digital platform “being set up.” No timeline provided. Citizens are encouraged to acquire bank accounts before the next announcement.
PROJECT: Windfall Tax on ExxonMobil Oil Revenue STATUS: Under Eternal Review UPDATE: Kaieteur News calculates a 25% windfall tax would generate US$9 million more per day for the national treasury. The government has reviewed this information. The review of the review is ongoing. A press conference about something else was held.
PROJECT: Emergency Housing for Evicted Families, Friendship EBD STATUS: Pending Ministerial Return From Uruguay UPDATE: 50+ families facing removal. Opposition calling for intervention. Government delegation currently attending regional infrastructure summit in South America. The irony has been noted.
PROJECT: National Park Security STATUS: Cameras Operational. Suspects Optional. UPDATE: Vandals clearly visible on CCTV footage. Vandals not yet caught. The footage has been reviewed. The vandals have not been.
PROJECT: Free and Independent Press STATUS: Discontinued UPDATE: Stabroek News published its final edition March 15, 2026. Kaieteur News is now Guyana’s only independent newspaper. Definition of “media plurality” currently under review.
🗣️ RUMOUR MILL — MARCH 2026
All names, characters, and scenarios below are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real persons is satirical coincidence.
Word on de fictional block is that a prominent fictional businessman from somewhere on the fictional East Coast was recently heard asking a fictional customs official whether government export seals were “reusable.” The fictional official said he would have to consult with his supervisor. The supervisor was in Uruguay.
Sources say a fictional Ministry commissioned a new study on why the previous eighteen studies on the same topic produced no action. The new study is expected to take twenty-two months and cost $53 million. An older study that reached the same conclusions for $9 million is currently filed under “D” for “Delivered.”
Rumour has it that a fictional government contractor recently won a tender to build a digital platform for grant distribution. The platform has not yet been built. The contract has been paid. The contractor is said to be monitoring the situation closely.
The Rumour Mill is entirely fictional. The Progress Report is satirical. Neither should be mistaken for journalism, though sometimes the line is thinner than we’d like.