🗣️ THE RUMOR MILL
with your host, Bam-Bam Sally

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: Everything in this column is entirely fictional. All names, characters, and scenarios are made up. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional. This is satire and entertainment only. The Guyana Daily Brief does not publish identifying information about private individuals. Bam-Bam Sally is a fictional character.

Good day, darlings!

Bam-Bam Sally is HERE and the mill is TURNING.

Pull up a chair. The week has been full.

💅 THIS WEEK’S WHISPERS

FROM THE EAST BANK: A certain gentleman who has been telling everyone he is “between jobs” has been spotted at the same coffee shop every morning for three months at exactly 9 AM, ordering the same thing, sitting in the same chair, reading the same kind of newspaper. Bam-Bam Sally’s source says he has never once looked at his phone for a job application. He has, however, become an expert on the crossword puzzle. Retirement looks different on everyone, darling.

FROM SOMEWHERE ON THE WEST COAST: A woman — very elegant, always dressed beautifully — was seen at the market arguing at LENGTH about the price of bora. Not just any argument. A DETAILED argument. With specific reference to prices from three years ago. The vendor, apparently, held firm. Bam-Bam Sally’s source says the woman left without the bora but gave the vendor a look that the vendor will be thinking about for some time. Standards are standards. Even at the market.

FROM AN UNNAMED OFFICE SOMEWHERE IN GEORGETOWN: There is apparently a coffee machine that has been broken for four months. Four months. There is apparently a form that needs to be filled out to get it repaired. The form apparently needs three signatures. Two of the three people who need to sign it apparently cannot be found in the office at the same time. This is not a rumor. This is just how offices work. Bam-Bam Sally finds it very relatable.

FROM A CHURCH SOMEWHERE: The annual flower arrangement competition has reached its third consecutive year of the same lady winning. Sources say there is a faction who believe the judging criteria have been adjusted in her favour. Sources also say the winning arrangement is, objectively, very beautiful. Bam-Bam Sally takes no position on church flower politics. Bam-Bam Sally has seen what church flower politics can do to a community and wants no part of it.

FROM THE SCHOOL GATE: A parent was heard to say, with great confidence, that she knows exactly when the next school holiday is. She does not. Two other parents who overheard this chose not to correct her. This is a kindness. The school holiday is actually two weeks later than she thinks. Bam-Bam Sally hopes she doesn’t make plans.

FROM A MINIBUS ROUTE THAT SHALL REMAIN UNSPECIFIED: A conductor has apparently been giving exact change down to the last dollar for the entire month of March. This is being discussed. No one is complaining — they are simply discussing it. Because it is unusual. Because it has never happened before on this route. Bam-Bam Sally salutes this conductor. Excellence should be acknowledged wherever it occurs.

FROM A HAIR SALON SOMEWHERE IN THE CAPITAL: Three separate customers on the same day asked for “something different” and then, when presented with suggestions, said they wanted to keep it mostly the same. The stylist, a professional of many years, reportedly handled this with grace. Bam-Bam Sally understands. Change is hard. Especially when it involves your hair.

🏆 BAM-BAM SALLY’S VERDICT OF THE WEEK

This week’s honours go to the market vendor who held firm on the bora price. Economic stability starts somewhere, darlings. Today it starts with bora.

The Rumor Mill runs weekly on the Guyana Daily Brief. Bam-Bam Sally is entirely fictional. All gossip is entirely fictional. All scenarios are invented for entertainment purposes only. No real persons are described, implied, or intended. The Guyana Daily Brief operates in full compliance with Guyana’s Cybercrime Act 2018, Section 19.

Until next week — keep your ears open and your mouth careful.

Bam-Bam Sally. Out. 💅