Aye yo it’s Leroy. Calling in from the Bronx. Cousin Merle just text me the news and I had to sit down.

THIS SHANOYA GIRL THOUGH

Listen. 22.11 in the 200. Last week she run the fastest 100 in the world. She running the whole world by herself right now. I show my coworker Marcus — Marcus is from the Dominican Republic, he does not understand cricket or anything — I show him the time and he look at me like, “is that good?” Is that good? Marcus I need you to leave my desk area immediately. 22.11 is not “good.” 22.11 is your grandmother bragging about you to everyone at church for the next six months. Shanoya, you doing the whole diaspora a service.

THE SOLDIER THING IS NOT OKAY

I am not going to make a joke about this. A young woman is dead. Her name was Tanzanya Dunkley. A man who had a gun and a uniform and a badge was supposed to protect and not harm. This is the part I cannot sit with from the Bronx. My cousin Desmond is still in Kingston. My auntie is still in Manchester. These are real people in real places and when I read “JDF soldier charged with girlfriend’s murder” I don’t read a headline. I read a family somewhere destroyed. Tanzanya. Say her name proper.

ATM ROBBERY AND THE SECURITY GUARD

My father was a security guard. He stood outside a building in Spanish Town for eleven years. Every time I read about a security guard getting shot I think about him standing there with nothing between himself and the next person who decided they needed money more than someone else needed to be alive. The guard in St. Ann survived. I am glad. The person who shot him for an ATM that apparently didn’t even open should have to think about that for a very long time in a very small room.

THE MP AND THE ETHICS COMMITTEE

I don’t fully understand the Gordon situation from up here but I understand “summoned back to the committee” means whatever he said the first time didn’t pass the smell test. In the Bronx we call this “they want to hear you say it again so they can catch you saying something different.” That is a classic move. Classic. I have watched this technique deployed at every family reunion when someone gives two different explanations for why the car is dented. The Ethics Committee is basically that, but with parliament.

DOLLAR AT $158.93

My mother calls me every time the dollar moves. “Leroy the dollar gone up again.” “Yes Mama.” “You sending money this week?” “Yes Mama.” “What rate you getting?” “The one that is what it is, Mama.” This is our relationship now. I am a human Western Union and she is my alert system. $158.93. Sending.

Cousin Leroy is a satirical character. His feelings about Tanzanya Dunkley are not satirical.