Good morning from Kingston, where the heat is already doing its best and the week’s news is already doing its worst.

SPANISH TOWN FIRE KILLS 14-YEAR-OLD GABRIELLA WRIGHT

A house fire in St John’s Garden, Spanish Town on Friday evening killed 14-year-old Gabriella Wright. Her brother ran through the flames and survived with critical injuries. Her mother, Suzette Campbell, was returning home when she saw the smoke — arrived to find her daughter gone, her son burning, her everything destroyed. The cause is still under investigation. The family has nothing. This is the kind of story that gets three paragraphs in the Observer and then disappears beneath the racing results.

71 DEAD ON THE ROADS SINCE JANUARY

The Island Traffic Authority has reported 71 road fatalities so far this year. Seventy-one. In a country where motorcycle riders treat lane markings as decorative suggestions and overtaking on blind corners is considered a personality trait, the authorities continue to explore the deep mystery of why people keep dying. Stricter enforcement has been promised. Again.

SOLDIER CHARGED WITH GIRLFRIEND’S MURDER, REMANDED TO MAY

JDF soldier Damanice Tyrone Williamson, 27, appeared in court this week in connection with the murder of his girlfriend, Tanzanya Dunkley. He was remanded until May 20. The military has not commented publicly.

BUNNY SHAW LEADS JAMAICA TO 4-0 WIN

Khadija “Bunny” Shaw scored a hat-trick as the Reggae Girlz dismantled Antigua and Barbuda 4-0 in Concacaf W Championship qualifying. If you needed a reason to feel good about something this morning, there it is.

TOURISM MINISTER HANDS OUT PLAQUES IN MARYLAND

Edmund Bartlett flew to Laurel, Maryland to personally thank 90-plus travel agents for continuing to recommend Jamaica to American tourists. He told them they are “not just selling a destination” but are “shaping dreams.” The travel agents presumably smiled, accepted the commendation, and went home to check whether their commission rates have gone up. They have not.

GHANA-JAMAICA HOMECOMING FESTIVAL COMING IN DECEMBER

An inaugural Ghana/Jamaica Homecoming Festival is set for December 4-5 in Ghana, aiming to deepen diaspora and cultural ties between the two nations. Excellent concept. Someone will print some merchandise and the rest will follow.

BARTENDER KILLED IN ST ELIZABETH

A bartender and nail technician was shot dead in Red Bank, St Elizabeth on Friday in what police are describing as a robbery. The victim’s name has not been released. The suspect has not been named either. In Jamaican crime reporting, names are apparently a premium feature.

SECURITY GUARD SHOT AT ST ANN GAS STATION

A security guard was shot and injured during an attempted ATM robbery at a gas station in Draxhall, St Ann. He survived. The suspects did not stay around to be thanked for that.

Yard Report is a satirical news column covering Jamaica. For real news, try the Jamaica Observer or Jamaica Gleaner.