🔊 BAM-BAM SALLY REPORTING FOR DUTY “If yuh ain’t hear it from me, it ain’t worth hearing!”

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: Everything in this column is entirely fictional. All names, characters, and scenarios are invented for satirical purposes. Any resemblance to actual persons is coincidental and probably their own fault for being so recognisable.

EASTER BLESSINGS AND GRIEVANCES

Sally went to church. Sally ate cook-up. Sally flew a kite with she grandniece and the string cut she hand because she was holding it too tight, which is a metaphor for how Sally approach most things in life. She is aware.

Now Sally is sitting under she mango tree with a cold Mauby and she have THINGS to say.

DE NATIONAL CLEANUP: SALLY IS SKEPTICAL

De government held a big national cleanup exercise Saturday. Joint Services, school children, everybody picking up garbage from one end of the country to the other.

Sally was in she yard watching people pick up rubbish from the street outside she house.

“Why,” Sally said to no one in particular, “dey couldn’t pick up de same rubbish de other 364 days?”

Her neighbour Miss Cynthia said it was about building habits.

Sally said if de habit needed a government announcement and soldiers to activate it, it wasn’t really a habit yet, it was a performance. Miss Cynthia said Sally was too cynical. Sally said Miss Cynthia had paint on she fence from 2019 and that is also something that could be addressed in a national cleanup.

Miss Cynthia went back inside.

Sally picks up she own rubbish every day, for the record. She just wants everyone to know that.

DE PILOT IN DE JUNGLE

Sally is not making jokes about Captain Castello. A man is somewhere in Region Eight on a mountainside and the GDF boys climbing through jungle and escarpment to reach him. Sally is praying. Any of de boys reading this — Sally see you. Sally appreciate you. Come home safe.

SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THE GAS CONTRACT

Kaieteur News say Guyana signing secret contracts to buy gas that was supposed to be free, paying for a pipeline through cost recovery while the government was telling people the pipeline wasn’t costing them anything, and a contractor billing private jet cargo to a project that already running hundreds of millions over budget.

Sally have a simple question: who signed these papers?

Not rhetorical. Sally actually wants to know. Names. On papers. In ink.

Sally will wait.

DE OPPOSITION IS SOMETHING ELSE

De Leader of the Opposition fire he Chief Scrutineer this week. APNU saying don’t import crime. Both groups supposed to be keeping the government accountable and instead they spending half the week keeping each other occupied.

Sally once had two dogs that spent so much time fighting each other that the cat ate everything in the yard. She is not saying this is exactly the same situation. She is just saying the cat ate everything in the yard.

EASTER SEAWALL REPORT

Sally was on the seawall Sunday morning. The wind was good. The kites were beautiful. The food smelled excellent. A man selling sugar cane was charging prices that Sally found aggressive but paid anyway because it was Easter and she didn’t want to argue on the Lord’s day.

One small boy lost his kite and cried for approximately four minutes before someone gave him a piece of pineapple and he forgot about the kite entirely. Sally found this to be a useful life lesson.

FINAL WORD

Sally is full of cook-up, her hand has a small cut from the kite string, and she has opinions about everything she has read this week. This is her natural state. She wishes everyone a blessed Easter, a safe week, and the good sense to read the fine print on any contract before you sign it.

Especially if someone tells you something is free.

Bam-Bam Sally is a fictional satirical character. She does not represent any real person. She would like you to know that.