Cousin Leroy here. Calling in from the Bronx. I got the live stream open on my phone right now. Let me talk to you real quick.
ROAD MARCH SUNDAY AND I AM NOT THERE
I am watching Road March Sunday on a three-inch phone screen while eating a beef patty from the spot on Fordham Road. This is not how God intended me to spend Easter Sunday. The music is coming through the speakers just clear enough to make me emotional. My coworker Marcus asked why I looked sad and I couldn’t explain it to him. You wouldn’t understand, Marcus. You grew up in Ohio.
NEGRIL AMBULANCE SITUATION IS UNACCEPTABLE
A tourist died in Negril while the town had no working ambulance. Now they say one is coming. A repaired one. After the death. This is the kind of thing where I call my cousin and she says “yeh, it rough” and we sit in silence for a while. Negril is where people come from all over the world to feel safe and beautiful and alive. That the emergency infrastructure for that area was allowed to collapse to zero without anyone raising the alarm is not an accident. It’s a choice. And whoever made that choice needs to be answering questions at a microphone.
OSHANE NATION IS GOING TO THE WORLD CUP
Our man Oshane Nation is refereeing at the FIFA World Cup. Do you understand how rare that is? Jamaica sends a referee to the biggest sporting event on the planet and it barely made the front page yesterday. I told my coworker Derek — same Derek I sent the Bunny Shaw scoreline to — and he looked it up and said “oh that’s actually impressive.” Yes, Derek. Yes it is. Oshane Nation, we’re proud of you. Don’t let anyone get away with diving.
THE BUDGET AND THE OIL PRICE
The government budgeted for US$60 oil. It’s at US$115. I know about budgeting. I budget every month. When my rent assumptions are wrong by that margin, I eat rice and peas for two weeks. The Jamaican government’s version of eating rice and peas is probably going to involve some uncomfortable conversations with the IMF. Plus Caribbean Airlines already raised ticket prices. Timing could not be worse for me personally since I was still thinking about that Ghana flight.
SCHOOL HAIR POLICY
Boys in Jamaica still can’t wear their natural hair to school the way girls can. This is 2026. Cousin Leroy has a lot to say about this. The short version is: if the hairstyle doesn’t affect a child’s ability to read, write, add, and think, leave the child’s head alone.
Cousin Leroy is a satirical diaspora column covering Jamaica from New York. He is not a real cousin.