Hello doux-doux darlings it’s your girl Bam-Bam Sally coming to you LIVE from the Bourda Market parking lot where I’ve been collecting information since 5:47 AM and let me tell you — it has been a SEASON already and the sun is not even fully up.

Grab a bake and saltfish. Sit down. Sally has THINGS.

1. DE PROVIDENCE DIVORCE

Okay okay okay. I cannot say names. I WILL NOT say names. But you know the couple in Providence with the house that has the three fountains in front? The one where the wife was always posting on Instagram with the captions about “my king”? The one where the husband drives the black Prado with the personalized plate?

That Prado parked at a DIFFERENT house in Eccles on Wednesday night. ALL NIGHT. Until 7 AM Thursday morning. And the “different house” belongs to someone who works in the wife’s OFFICE.

The wife found out because — and this is the part — the OFFICE CLEANER called her. THE OFFICE CLEANER. I am not making this up. The cleaner — who had apparently been observing things for months, may God bless her — made the call out of, quote, “respect for the wife who always bring in pepperpot at Christmas.”

Pepperpot loyalty. Unshakeable. This is why you are kind to the cleaner.

The wife has hired Mr. Sanjay Persaud (yes, THAT Sanjay Persaud) as her divorce attorney. The husband has hired — and I laughed when I heard this — the same Sanjay Persaud’s COUSIN. Which means that not only is the divorce going to be spicy, it is going to be spicy AT A FAMILY LEVEL.

We are watching this one closely. Updates pending.

2. DOLLY’S WEDDING: COUSIN PETAL BANNED

Dolly’s wedding is next Saturday at the Marriott and I have it on GOOD AUTHORITY that Cousin Petal — you know Petal, Petal with the laugh — has been formally DISINVITED.

The reason?

Petal went to the bridal shower last weekend and proceeded to tell the MOTHER-IN-LAW — the WOMAN WHO WILL BE DOLLY’S MOTHER-IN-LAW FOR THE REST OF HER NATURAL LIFE — that her son (the groom) had, and I quote, “a reputation in secondary school involving a young lady from Lodge.”

THE BRIDAL SHOWER.

Petal, why.

Dolly called Petal on Sunday morning and the conversation, per my source, lasted eleven minutes and involved Dolly using words Dolly does not normally use. Petal is now disinvited from the wedding. Petal has been posting passive-aggressive status updates on Facebook since Tuesday. One of them said “some people cannot handle the truth.” Another said “God sees everything.”

God may see everything. Dolly sees that Petal cannot keep her mouth shut at a bridal shower. Both are true. Both will remain true. Petal will be watching the wedding on Instagram like the rest of us who were not important enough to invite.

3. DE CHURCH CHOIR SITUATION

I am not going to name the church. But it is a fairly prominent one in Kitty. And there is a situation.

The choir director has been “in a friendship” (her term, not mine) with a married man in the congregation for approximately eighteen months. The wife of said man finally confronted the choir director on Sunday AFTER SERVICE, in the FELLOWSHIP HALL, with a platter of pholourie in her hand.

The pholourie was served. The confrontation was also served. The choir director denied everything. The wife said nothing further — which, according to witnesses, was scarier than if she had screamed.

The choir director did not attend Wednesday night Bible study. She did not attend Friday evening vespers. She is, per multiple sources, “visiting family in New Amsterdam.”

She may be visiting family in New Amsterdam for some time.

4. DE NEW GYM ON SHERIFF STREET

Okay this one is not scandal, this is just observation. The new gym that opened on Sheriff Street last month — “Elite Fitness 876” — has become, and I say this with love, a CATASTROPHE of flirting. I have heard stories this week alone about:

  • One fellow who has been seen “working out” with three different women on three different days and all three women showed up on the SAME Thursday
  • Two personal trainers who are now not speaking to each other because of “a miscommunication” involving a protein shake gift
  • One married man who allegedly goes to the gym “for cardio” and leaves without ever setting foot on a treadmill

The gym is a lovely facility. The treadmills are excellent. The membership is being used for, let us say, holistic wellness.

5. DE GOVERNMENT MINISTER AT PRICE

A certain government minister — I will NOT say which one but you can guess — was spotted at a small popular restaurant in Eccles on Wednesday evening dining with a woman who was definitely not his wife.

The woman works in what we shall describe as “a government-adjacent consulting capacity.” The minister was observed by three separate parties. One of whom took a photograph. The photograph is not circulating yet. But photographs, doux-doux, have a way of circulating.

The minister’s wife, I am told, is on a flight back from overseas this weekend.

Buckle up.

6. DE WEDDING DRESS DRAMA

Melissa (you know which Melissa) has been planning her wedding for eighteen months. The wedding is in three weeks. On Wednesday, her dress came back from the final fitting and it did not fit.

It did not fit because Melissa has, over the eighteen months of planning, lost thirty-two pounds through stress alone.

The dressmaker is refusing to alter the dress a third time without additional payment. Melissa is refusing to pay additional money because “the weight loss is not my fault.” The fiancé is caught in the middle and has been hiding at his best man’s house for two days.

The wedding will happen. The dress will fit — somehow. The question is whether anyone will survive the three weeks between now and then.

I will bring you updates.

7. IN CLOSING

As I always say — information is a blessing, gossip is a ministry, and if you have news you want Sally to carry, drop it in the usual place. Sally does not name names unless the names name themselves. Sally does not confirm stories unless Sally has three sources. Sally does not print lies — only, as we say, carefully selected truths.

Be good this weekend, doux-doux darlings.

And if you drive a black Prado in Providence, maybe park it at home tonight.

— Bam-Bam Sally 💅