Welcome to de Bounty Board — Guyana’s most honest classifieds section, where the ads say what they actually mean, the sellers tell you what is actually wrong with the item, and the wanted ads are as specific as they need to be.

Here’s what came across my desk this week.

FOR SALE

2014 Toyota Premio — “barely used” Mileage: unknown (odometer broken since 2019). Air conditioning works intermittently, depending on the mood of the compressor. Passenger window does not roll down. Driver window does not roll up. Otherwise perfect. $1.2M OBO. Contact Mr. Ramlakhan, call after 6 PM because during the day he is avoiding his brother-in-law.

House for sale — South Ruimveldt 3 bedroom, 2 bath, concrete structure, good neighborhood, near schools. One small issue: there was “an incident” in 1987 involving the previous occupant. Nobody will tell you what the incident was, but the neighbors will give you a meaningful look when you walk through. Price reflects the incident. $18M. Owner motivated. Call Mrs. Persaud. Do not call after 10 PM. She says not to ask why.

Wedding dress, size 10 — worn ONCE Beautiful lace gown, ivory, full-length, designed by a dressmaker in Trinidad. The wedding was called off three weeks in. The dress is in pristine condition. The bride is also in pristine condition, all things considered. She would like the dress to find a happy home, since the marriage did not. $65,000 negotiable. Contact Maria. No questions about the ex-fiancé, please. She is healing.

Karaoke machine with 8,000 songs Professional-grade, used at weddings and one memorable christening that went late. All songs work EXCEPT the Whitney Houston tracks, which, for reasons unknown, now play only the instrumental. This has proven to be divisive at parties — some guests consider it a feature, others consider it a tragedy. $80,000.

Goat — female, 2 years old, good temperament This goat has been a companion to the family for two years but must be sold due to a new landlord who “does not understand goats.” The goat is house-trained (yes, really), responds to the name Marjorie, and prefers banana peels to grass. Will only sell to a home where Marjorie will be treated with respect. $45,000. Visits by appointment. Marjorie will be interviewing you.

WANTED

Husband. Must have teeth. I am a 47-year-old woman with my own house, my own car, and my own business. I am not looking for your money. I am looking for a man who:

  • Has a job
  • Has teeth (all of them, or most of them, I am negotiable on this)
  • Does not have three children in three different households
  • Does not live with his mother
  • Does not describe himself as “an entrepreneur” without specifying the actual business Contact via serious inquiries only. If you do not meet the criteria, do not waste my time. I have waited this long. I can wait longer.

Roommate — female, professional, clean Sharing a 2-bedroom apartment in Prashad Nagar. Quiet, no pets, no smoking, no weekly prayer gatherings in the living room (happened once, do not wish to revisit). Rent is reasonable. References required. Current roommate is myself; I am a paralegal with one cat. The cat is the real decision-maker. $65,000/month. Cat will interview you.

Plumber who actually shows up Have had three plumbers in the last six weeks. First one came once and never returned. Second one quoted $40,000, started the job, then disappeared for nine days. Third one did excellent work but charges $80,000 per visit. I am looking for a plumber who is the median of these three experiences: reliable, reasonably priced, and alive. If you exist, please contact Mrs. Ramsingh. I will give you steady work. I have three more leaks.

Lost cat — “Pumpkin” Orange tabby, one torn ear, answers to his name sometimes, ignores his name most of the time. Last seen in Kitty on Tuesday afternoon. He is on medication. He is also probably fine. If you have seen a cat that looks judgmental and somewhat offended, that is Pumpkin. Reward: $10,000 and some pholourie.

SERVICES

Grace’s House Cleaning — “De deep clean, not de surface thing” I will clean your house. I will clean it properly. I will find things under the furniture that you have forgotten existed, including that earring you lost in 2021. I do not gossip about what I see. I do not talk to your mother-in-law about the state of the kitchen. I charge $15,000 for a small house, $25,000 for a medium house, and “we will discuss” for anything involving a corporate kitchen. Call Grace. References abundant.

Mr. Jagdeo’s Computer Repair I fix computers. I have been fixing computers since 1997. I do not explain what is wrong with your computer using technical language, because I have learned that this makes customers anxious. I will simply fix it and tell you not to click on the links from strangers. My rates are fair. My waiting room has a ceiling fan that works. Come to the shop on Hadfield Street.

“Uncle Bertie” — general handyman I can fix almost anything. Doors, windows, leaks, loose floorboards, broken chairs, malfunctioning fences. I do not fix washing machines (learned my lesson). I do not fix microwaves (same). I am honest about what I cannot do. Call after 7 AM. I sleep in on Saturdays.

NOTICES

Lost and Found — Demerara Harbour Bridge A woman named Jennifer left her purse on the railing of the Harbour Bridge on Wednesday while the bridge was up. When the bridge came down, the purse was still there. It contained $47,000 in cash, three credit cards, and a photograph of a man Jennifer did not recognize. The purse has been returned to Jennifer. The photograph has not been identified. If it is yours, please contact Jennifer. She would like an explanation.

Church Bake Sale — Saturday 26th April St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church is holding a bake sale to raise funds for the roof repair. Items include pine tart ($300), black cake ($500 per slice), pepperpot (pre-order only), and the famous “Miss Connie’s coconut biscuits” which have been described as “life-changing” by three separate parishioners. Come early. The pepperpot sells out by 9:30.

Reminder from De Stabroek Market Association To de vendor who has been selling fish claiming it is “this morning’s catch” when it is clearly not: you know who you are. Please stop. People is talking.

That’s the Board for this Saturday. If you want to place a classified for next week, drop it in the usual place. We reserve the right to edit for honesty.

Be good, doux-doux. And if you see Pumpkin, please let Mrs. Harris know.

— Bounty Board