Uncle Ramesh's Take: Six Dialysis Centres, A Special Envoy, And Some People Just Won't Give Credit

🐒 UNCLE RAMESH’S TAKE 🐒
Your Uncle from Toronto Who Actually Reads the Chronicle
Wednesday, March 25, 2026

Hear nah. People does wake up every morning and complain about this government. They does say: “Ramesh, whuh happening? Whuh the government doing?” And I does tell them the same thing every time: open yuh eyes and look.

Look at the dialysis centres. Six new ones. Six! Because this government understands that when a man sick, he doesn’t need a speech — he needs a machine. That is what caring about people looks like. Not talk. Machine.

Wednesday's Guyana Brief: Noem Lands, Exxon Expands, and the Bridge Is Still Sinking

🇬🇾 THE GUYANA BRIEF 🇬🇾
Your 5-Minute Wednesday News Circus
Wednesday, March 25, 2026 ⏱️ 6 min read

NOEM LANDS IN GUYANA. NO ONE KNOWS WHY.

Kristi Noem — fired as US Secretary of Homeland Security, dusted off, renamed “Special Envoy” — touched down in Guyana this week as part of something called the “Shield of the Americas.” The visit involves meetings with energy companies and conversations about security cooperation, which is Washington-speak for we want to keep an eye on your oil and make sure China doesn’t get any. President Ali confirmed that US-Guyana relations remain strong. Nobody confirmed that Kristi knows where Guyana is on a map.

Back-A-Truck — March 24, 2026: This Week's Deals and Market Finds

🚛 BACK-A-TRUCK
What’s Moving, What’s Worth It, What to Watch
Week of March 24, 2026

Back-A-Truck tracks market conditions, price movements, and notable deals across Georgetown and beyond. All prices are observational and may vary. Not a shopping service. Just a guide.

🛒 THIS WEEK’S MARKET WATCH

PRODUCE

Bora: Price contested this week at multiple markets. Vendors holding firm. Worth shopping around. Quality is good right now — dry season conditions have been kind to the bora.

Bam-Bam Sally's Saturday Special — Week of March 24, 2026

💅 BAM-BAM SALLY’S SATURDAY SPECIAL
The Column That Knows Everything (Fictionally)

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: This column is entirely fictional entertainment. All names, characters, places, and scenarios are invented. Any resemblance to real persons is coincidental and unintentional. This is satire. The Guyana Daily Brief does not identify or target private individuals. Bam-Bam Sally is a fictional character created for entertainment purposes.

Darlings, Bam-Bam Sally is back.

It’s been a week. You know what I mean. You KNOW.

Bounty Board — March 24, 2026: Community Notices, Events & More

📌 THE BOUNTY BOARD
Community Notices, Events & Things Worth Knowing
Week of March 24, 2026

The Bounty Board collects community notices, upcoming events, and things happening around Guyana. Submissions are fictional/illustrative — if you have a real notice, contact us at guyanadailybrief@gmail.com.

📅 EVENTS THIS WEEK

EAST BANK INTER-VILLAGE FOOTBALL TOURNAMENT
Ongoing through the week at Eccles EE Ground. Day three action has been underway. Several upsets reported — underdogs showing up. Football fans in the area should check the schedule and get out to the ground.

Caribbean Brief: Jamaica Counting Hurricane Damage, T&T Gets a US List, and Sandals Is Spending Big

🌴 THE CARIBBEAN DAILY BRIEF 🌴
Your 5-Minute Regional News Digest
Tuesday, March 24, 2026

Good morning from across the archipelago, where Jamaica is doing budget math, Trinidad and Tobago just received a very uncomfortable list from Washington, and Sandals is spending $200 million on resorts that a hurricane knocked down.

Also: Caribbean AIDS deaths fell 60%. That’s the rare piece of news that’s just straightforwardly good.

📊 REGIONAL NUMBERS

🇯🇲 JAMAICA: HURRICANE MATH IS UGLY

Finance Minister Fayval Williams is scheduled to open Jamaica’s 2026–2027 budget debate this month, outlining how the government plans to address a gap in the JA$1.4 trillion national budget.

De Boys Seh: We Want To Know About De Wheelbarrow

De Boys Seh is Speedeet and Wilar’s take on the week’s events. They are twelve years old. They have thoughts.

SPEEDEET: Wilar. Did you hear about de wheelbarrow?

WILAR: I heard about the wheelbarrow.

SPEEDEET: He brought a WHEELBARROW. To pay de court.

WILAR: Yes.

SPEEDEET: With COINS. In a WHEELBARROW.

WILAR: I understood it the first time, Speedeet.

SPEEDEET: But DO you UNDERSTAND it? Like do you fully understand what happened? A man — a grown man — a MAN WHO IS IN PARLIAMENT — brought a wheelbarrow full of coins to pay a four-million-dollar debt.

DJ Roadblock's Traffic & Infrastructure Report — March 24, 2026

🎵 [Air horn sound effect] 🎵

GOOD MORNING GUYANA! DJ ROADBLOCK IN DE BUILDING!

It’s your boy, spinning the hits AND the hazards, every week, right here on the Guyana Daily Brief. Buckle up — or don’t, apparently some people don’t — because we have ROAD NEWS.

🛣️ THIS WEEK’S ROAD CONDITIONS

GEORGETOWN CENTRAL

Status: CHAOTIC AS USUAL

Brickdam: Moving, but barely. Peak hours (7-9AM, 4-6PM) are still a test of patience and faith. DJ Roadblock recommends leaving earlier. DJ Roadblock knows nobody will leave earlier.

Patriots Portfolio — March 24, 2026: Oil, Courts, and the Business of Everything

📈 PATRIOTS PORTFOLIO
Tracking the Business of Guyana
Week of March 24, 2026

MARKET MOOD: CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC

Global oil prices are elevated due to Middle East instability, which is — depending on who you ask — either very good for Guyana or very complicated for Guyana. The answer, as usual, is both.

THIS WEEK’S MAIN MOVES

🛢️ EXXON: THE YELLOWTAIL PRODUCTION REQUEST

ExxonMobil has formally applied to the Government of Guyana to increase production at the Yellowtail FPSO from 263,000 barrels per day to 290,000 barrels per day. Application is currently under government review.

Progress Report — March 24, 2026: Roads, Grants, and the Promise Tracker

📋 THE PROGRESS REPORT
Tracking What Was Promised vs. What Actually Happened
Week of March 24, 2026

The Progress Report does not take political positions. It tracks things. Things either happened or they didn’t. The tracker doesn’t care who promised them.

✅ THINGS THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED THIS WEEK

1. Aubrey Barker-Ogle Road Linkage — OPEN

The promise: A road connection to bring relief and opportunity to residents in that corridor.
The result: Open. Residents report relief. ✅

Speedeet & Wilar: De Day De Kite Get Away

Speedeet and Wilar are two twelve-year-old best friends from Pike Street, Kitty, Georgetown. Their stories are pure adventure — no politics, no current events, just the business of being twelve years old in Guyana.

DE DAY DE KITE GET AWAY

De kite was Speedeet idea.

Not de buying part — he didn’t have enough money for dat — but de BUILDING part. He had been saving newspaper and bamboo strips for two weeks, watching YouTube videos on he uncle phone when he uncle wasn’t looking, calculating angles.

The Rumor Mill — March 24, 2026

🗣️ THE RUMOR MILL
with your host, Bam-Bam Sally

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: Everything in this column is entirely fictional. All names, characters, and scenarios are made up. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional. This is satire and entertainment only. The Guyana Daily Brief does not publish identifying information about private individuals. Bam-Bam Sally is a fictional character.

Good day, darlings!

Bam-Bam Sally is HERE and the mill is TURNING.

Tuesday's Guyana Brief: Wheelbarrows, Oil Greed, and the Death of a Newspaper

🇬🇾 THE GUYANA BRIEF 🇬🇾
Your 5-Minute Tuesday News Circus
Tuesday, March 24, 2026 ⏱️ 6 min read

Good Morning, Guyana! ☕

Welcome to Tuesday, where our Opposition Leader is now fighting extradition on three continents simultaneously, Exxon wants to pump even MORE oil out of our seabed, and the $100,000 cash grant is making its way into bank accounts across the land like a very slow, very welcome river.

Uncle Ramesh's Take: Cash In Hand, Oil On The Rise, And Some People Just Can't Accept A Good Thing

🇬🇾 UNCLE RAMESH’S TAKE 🇬🇾
Your Uncle from Toronto Who Actually Reads the Chronicle
Tuesday, March 24, 2026

Greetings from Toronto, where the snow is finally deciding to leave us in peace, and where I spent this morning reading the Guyana Chronicle with a very large cup of tea and a growing sense of national pride.

Yes, pride. I know some people in this family — certain cousins who shall remain nameless — prefer to read the Kaieteur News and find doom in everything. But today, Ramesh is going to tell you what is actually happening in Guyana, which is: a lot of good things.

YouTube Scripts – March 24, 2026: Wheelbarrows, Oil, and the CCJ

YOUTUBE SCRIPTS — TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 2026

🎬 SCRIPT 1: 60-SECOND QUICK BRIEF

[INTRO — upbeat music, flag graphic]

Good morning Guyana! It’s Tuesday March 24th and here’s your 60-second news blast.

TOP STORY: The Mohameds have taken their extradition fight to the CCJ — the Caribbean Court of Justice — after losing at the Court of Appeal last week. A Case Management Conference is set for TOMORROW. The legal saga continues.

Back-A-Truck — March 19, 2026

Back-A-Truck: Guyana’s fictional marketplace. All listings fictional. All prices negotiable. No returns.

FOR SALE: One nearly-functioning ceiling fan. Does work. Does also make a sound like a small helicopter preparing for takeoff. You will get used to it. Selling because wife says she can’t think. $4,500 or best offer. Call after 6pm when she sleeping.

WANTED: A tradesman who will actually show up on the day agreed. Not the day after. Not three days after. Not “later in the week.” THE. DAY. AGREED. Willing to pay premium. Willing to cook lunch. Will write a testimonial. Will name firstborn after you if necessary. Please be real.

Bam-Bam Sally's Corner — March 19, 2026

Bam-Bam Sally is a fictional neighbourhood auntie. Her opinions are her own. All gossip is fictional.

Adjusts housedress. Leans on gate. Begins.

So I hear oil reach one hundred dollars a barrel. ONE HUNDRED. And I say to my neighbour — de nice one, not de one with de dog — I say, “You feel we gon see any of dat?” And she look at me. And I look at she. And we both start laugh until we nearly fall down. Because we know, darling. We KNOW.

Bounty Board — March 19, 2026

The Bounty Board: fictional rewards for fictional problems. All listings satirical.

🔴 WANTED: Whoever designed the road markings on a certain roundabout in Georgetown

The markings suggest going left means going right, straight means something else, and the yield sign is decorative. Three near-accidents last Tuesday alone. One driver stopped in the middle of the roundabout and got out to look at the lines from different angles. He’s still not sure.

Caribbean Daily Brief — Wednesday, March 19, 2026

Your weekly satirical roundup of news from across the Caribbean — because the whole region deserves coverage, not just one country 🌴

🇯🇲 JAMAICA: Gas Up, Telecom Still Down, and the NHF Spent Billions on Obesity

Jamaican motorists woke up Thursday to gasoline at $170.83 per litre — up $4.50 at the pump, courtesy of Petrojam’s latest ex-refinery price adjustment. The Middle East oil surge is being felt from Kingston to Westmoreland, and in Westmoreland they have enough other problems. Five months after Hurricane Melissa, residents are still describing conditions there as “hellish” — patchy mobile service, spotty internet, and a general sense that the rest of the country moved on while they were still bailing out. Digicel says towers will be fully restored by end of April. Residents have heard this before.

De Boys Seh — March 19, 2026

All characters are fictional. All scenarios are fictional. This is satire.

De boys seh dat a fictional contractor from somewhere on de fictional East Coast recently win a big government job, show up to sign de contract in a brand new truck, and then the very next day de truck wasn’t outside his house no more. De boys say it wasn’t his truck to begin with. De boys say he borrow it from his brother-in-law for de signing because “appearances matter.” De boys say de brother-in-law now want he truck back and de contractor saying it “temporarily unavailable.” De boys watching dis situation closely.