Welcome to Thursday, where four families are mourning men who went to work and never came home, the Mohameds just lost another legal battle, and the Opposition Leader discovered that the job comes with… well, nothing. No car. No security. Just vibes and an indictment.
Meanwhile, gold is over $5,000 an ounce but apparently we can’t find it, Speaker Nadir is still limiting journalists to a handful, and the government is promising to fix Stabroek Market — finally!
The US military campaign in Caribbean waters has killed over 117 people, Barbados elections are 8 days away, Jamaica secured $415M in IMF emergency aid, Trinidad’s PM praised the boat strikes, and CARICOM can’t agree on anything except that things are complicated.
The 2026 budget debate opened with heckling and bizarre animal noises, Speaker Nadir brought back COVID rules to limit journalists to five, Ali told Belize to follow Guyana’s lead on food security, WIN and APNU both trashed the budget for different reasons, and a beloved Rupununi tour guide was murdered over cattle rustling.
Your daily satirical roundup of Guyanese news. We read the papers so you don’t have to — but yuh still should!
☕ GOOD MORNING, GUYANA!
Happy Saturday, people! January done already? We barely finish swallowing de Budget numbers and the month gone just so! But before we close out January 2026, we got one PACKED edition for yuh. Grab yuh bake and saltfish, settle in, and leh we run through what happening in de land of many waters!
Budget 2026 aftermath: $1.588 trillion in promises, 15,000 house lots, a school for autistic children, and the opposition still can’t find the door to the National Assembly.
Your satirical summary of Guyana’s news — Read all four papers in 5-6 minutes so you don’t have to!
🏛️ OPPOSITION LEADER DRAMA: THE LONGEST ELECTION EVER
The Headlines:
APNU says they’ll likely abstain from Opposition Leader vote
Mohamed says he’s “scared” ahead of Monday’s vote
APNU warns cut borrowing for Budget 2026 as oil prices slide
The Brief:
So Monday’s the big day, right? Wrong. We’ve been saying “Monday’s the big day” since September. Azruddin Mohamed, the US-indicted gold dealer who somehow controls a quarter of the National Assembly, is apparently “scared” about the Opposition Leader vote. Scared of what? Losing? Winning? Having to explain to his American lawyers why he’s running a country instead of running from an extradition warrant?
Opposition Leader election finally set for Monday, Police Academy sexual exploitation scandal rocks the force, and Georgetown garbage crisis deepens as Mayor backs out of meeting.
Your 5-minute Guyanese news circus — now with 100% less cash grants ☕🇬🇾
💸 CASH GRANTS: “NOT SUSTAINABLE” — PRESIDENT
What Happened: President Ali declared that future cash grants are “not sustainable,” warning that “some people would use this as a political opportunity.”
The Backstory: Just one year ago, the government was “committed to making future cash grants.” What a difference 365 days makes!
The Math:
2025: “We are committed to future cash grants!”
2026: “Cash grants are not sustainable.”
Also 2026: Oil production approaching 1 million barrels per day.
Dem Boys Seh: “When election coming, cash grant sustainable. When election done, cash grant unsustainable. Is like magic — de money just disappear!”
Another US$18M hotel opens, your medical records go online, President Ali says cash grants aren’t sustainable (after promising one), Women’s cricket squad stays undefeated, and Fruta Conquerors lose their president after 11 months.
Security guards caught with toy guns at supermarkets, US$8.14M solar farm lights up Charity, GBTI launches private banking for the rich, and Guyana Women seek redemption against Jamaica under the lights!
Welcome to Friday, where our oil fields are being liquidated faster than a closing-down sale, our Speaker fled to India while Parliament remains closed, and Exxon’s 75% “expense deduction” makes Nigerian email scams look amateur.
Today’s menu: The Great Oil Heist exposed (75% goes to “costs”), Speaker escapes to India during constitutional crisis, French Ambassador politely suggests democracy might be nice, Mashramani launches because at least we can party, and President Ali promises no Venezuela deals (this time he means it, promise).
Muhammad Ibrahim becomes IICA Director-General, census data sparks housing debate, cybercrime law faces criticism, and AG slams courts for ignoring legislation.
Attorney General scolds magistrates for ignoring laws, government promises 87 new apps, and President Ali discovers swamps can become highways (who knew?). Welcome to Tuesday in paradise!
Murders up 11% despite overall crime drop, new $123M search and rescue system launched, over 3,100 traffic offences in one week, and financial system reforms promised.
Welcome to Monday, where last week’s problems are this week’s problems with a fresh coat of optimistic denial.
Nothing got fixed over the weekend. Shocked? You shouldn’t be.
Today’s menu: GuySuCo gets scolded (again), The Mohameds perfect the art of not leaving, crime stats achieve Olympic-level creativity, and we learn why complaining about bribery is somehow worse than actual bribery. Just another week in paradise!
📊 TODAY’S NUMBERS
Mohamed Appeals: 47 (their lawyer’s yacht fund thanks you)